Reset

 Good morning and Happy Sabbath

I am thankful for another day of life.  To be breathing and rested, at home and in a safe space.  I am hitting the reset button and trying to get things right.

I just went on the tithing website..Adventist giving and as I was plugging in numbers I was surprised that I have so much in my bank account.  I don't think I forgot to pay anyone and even if I did, I'm just not used to having this much.  I have a check that has been sitting on my kitchen chair for the week that I need to deposit. I have not followed up with my full time and let free money go for the past several months and have been procrastinating on trying to even get a small portion of what remains to be redeemed from last fiscal year. 

I am sitting in abundance and I will just say thank You to the Lord for this. 

Another thing I am wondering about is New York.  While my son is away, I told myself I would have a trip over to NYC, a girl's day out to explore, shop and pamper myself.  I don't believe I did it in 2020, but am certain I did in 2019 when he was away then too. I was sitting and thinking about that this week and of course one of the content creators from the planter community, her song popped into my head and replaced my old NY theme when I think of the city. I was watching or rather listening to her do a tour with another beautiful black new yorker, me taking notes and thinking to myself I will visit this or that shop and come home finally with a hoya carnosa compacta when I got a text from a church sister asking me if I would consider a social work job in New York.  Since I'm still trying to remain annonymous on this platform, I won't identify the position that my church sis has as I'm sure people can put two and two together and that would be a dead give away.  She sent me this text within the moments I was watching that video and writing down what I wanted to do when I go tomorrow.  

I'll just say that I responded with an open mind and she sent me a link on a way to apply for this position. I doubt I really qualify for it but if God is opening a door and wants me to walk through it, I am willing to give it a try, even if it is outside my comfort zone.  

A few hours later as I was out my second time that day shopping for my NY trip (needed a battery pack for my phone so I can have hours of uninterrupted music), my sister texts me from Seattle and tells me she is going to flying to NY in a couple days.  I'm not sure why all this is happening now.  Maybe I shouldn't go?

I have both mountain bikes in my living room and do not have all the tools to put them together.  I started on my son's bike and the instructions...that booklet...it's just wrong man.  I went online to a youtube video for some help and still need to go purchase some allen wrenches (of all different sizes).  I bought a large adjustable wrench and three either smaller wrenches or pliers (more so) at Lowes yesterday.  If I had the bikes put together, I'd probably remain home and just ride my bike all over town.  I will still try to get the wrenches and see how far I can get.  If not, I'll ask my dad for help when he returns.  Last time I put together a bike was when I was living with my ficative aunt and her blood nephew had a bike at her house that needed to be put together.  Or maybe she owned the bike, I don't know.  All I know is the guy took too long to do anything so I went in her garage, got down and took care of it within an hour, with few instructions.  That bike was not a mountain bike and doesn't come with all the bells and whistles the ones I purchased recently have.  

I am thankful to have the bikes.  I am thankful for an opportunity to go to NYC and have time to see where I just..end up.  I hope to come back with a plant I love, indian snacks, african clothing, possibly another pair of Nikes if I can find a good color combo, visit the fashion nova store to get more jeans, and make my usual rounds when I head out there.  There is so much to see and do there. I might even stop in a theatre if I can find one to catch a movie and rest my feet. I might go to Coney Island.  I don't know what I will do, I'll find out tomorrow God willing.

Just because we veer off track and scrape a knee (or almost bust out a tooth in my case...I'm certain I have nerve damage and it still hurts), doesn't mean we can't get back up and keep on keeping on.  I veered off track and have disappointed God, myself, and I'm sure the angels who were looking on.  But I don't have to stay in that disappointment.  I want to live life and be safe in my life.  I want my life to have purpose and meaning, joy, excitement.  

One of my clients called me yesterday within that NY themed period of time asking for relationship advice.  I believe he turned 39 if not 40 this year and he is such a kind soul and a true sweet heart.  He is honest, does great work on his job and cares about the people in his life deeply but he is lonely and periodically calls me up instead of his therapist to talk about these issues.  I hope I gave him the right advice.  The pandemic has really made it hard for new people to meet and people who are shy like him, its like a boulder he just cannot get around.  I recommended that since he is a person who is of faith, that he consider checking out houses of worship and focus first on building friendships and networking.  The church, churches, even non christian organizations have people who are or should be welcoming and wanting to get to know visitors and members.  He can meet like minded people and who knows, as he mingles with others, he may be introduced to a potential partner.  

I am asking God even about myself as I reflect on what I told him.  I had a significant moment of weakness this week and it has me questioning everything about myself, who I am and what I stand for.  Does God want me to be married?  If I am married, will I remain faithful to my partner?  If He wants me to be married, will I be obedient and actually go through with getting married?  If I am married, I want that person to help me follow Jesus better than I have on my own.  I want him to be an awesome father to my son who wants..a dad.  I went to Walmart yesterday shopping for my son and saw some pants that looked cool in the little boys section.  I bought them for myself and they fit nicely (it's amazing, I can shop anywhere around the store now with all the weight I've lost).  I told him what I purchased and he loudly exclaimed, "you are not a daddy, how can you wear that?"  As I sat and looked at the pants, I then realized something else.  I realized that the pattern of the pants is the exact same pattern of the clothing the guy I was dealing with had worn earlier in the year.  I didn't realize it then...he may have a pair of pants that are like these or a hoodie...yeah I think a hoodie in this print.  Now I can't wear them to work but I am not returning them. They are cool and I like the pattern.  We were too much alike for alot of things.  

But back to the marriage topic.  I want to be safe.  I don't want to open up to someone and they tell me down the line that they were not serious and just kidding.  I don't want them to tell me that they no longer want me.  If God shows me for certain that this person is the person I need in my life, that's good but I need absolute assurance that this person will not reject me, harm me, try to harm me or my son, and will stand for truth and what is good for the rest of his life.  If he cannot do those things. If there is no promise that this guy can do these things, I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life.  It's all or nothing. It's perfection or its trash.  

So I'm hitting the reset button.  I need to get something to eat and prepare for Sabbath school.  I prayed and will wait for the Lord's response.  I understand if He doesn't want to answer me because I don't deserve His goodness after where I have gone.  But I will wait.  

Today's verse:  So then faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17