Alone

 Happy Sabbath

I am enjoying my first few days vacation from my family.  I had hoped for my son to be able to join the zoom we have for church service today but my parents won't have enough data until next week so I have to slow/stop with all the texting until then.  Calls should still be fine. They went to Carolina to do more work on the house and took him with them. 

Yesterday was a good day. I finished my work and headed out to Pep boys to get a new tire because it kept going flat. Perhaps I should start at the beginning. Sunday I went to Six Flags with my sister and son and had a good time.  I got on a roller coaster ride for the first time in years and the purpose of me going was to have my son experience his first roller coaster ride and see fire works for July 4th.  We did a fire works show a few years ago and I didn't want him to miss out being the perfect opportunity. It was a wonderful time and such a blessing. 

I had received some text messages from the guy at work that hit me the wrong way and almost immediately, I had dismissed him and went on with the trip with my family. I also had a poor encounter with my mother and I don't want to say it is because it is that time of the month, but it could be.  No, I probably should not be dealing with the guy and definitely should not have reacted the way that I did to my mother.  They both were being more reasonable than I was.  I apologized to my mother but have decided to forfeit the car she was offering me.  I am back on good terms with dude.  I know I am not doing right so I don't deserve to have that car.  There has to be some checks and balances in place and sometimes we have to check ourselves and hard too.  

So I am driving my car this summer and intend to just turn on their cars once a week or more so that the summer heat does not destroy the batteries when they return to use them. 

My sister has been inserting herself into my affairs and I don't really like that too much. I did agree to doing a defensive driving course with her tomorrow on a day I typically do my own thing. I intend to clean my house, try to get my lawn and definitely those hedges.  I sometimes get so tired that I will sleep most of the day away. I am running constantly, even on Sabbath and I have been checking out of activities and events people try to sign me up for and expect me to be at (not understanding or perhaps caring that I have a lot going on).  I am not sacrificing myself, not now anyway.  It is such a big deal for most people to give all of themselves and stuff they don't have, and if you don't do it, you are selfish, mean, and unchristlike.  How can I help other people if I don't have any energy?  You have to have your safety gear on first before you can go help other people but some keep missing the point and frankly, I don't care anymore what they think.  Perhaps that's why I am also in this dangerous zone right now with the situation I brought up before.  I have not put brakes on that situation.  I am still talking with him and to be honest, enjoying the different perspective that he presents.  I didn't realize how negative I was or how anxious I have been until he came around and he is surprisingly more positive and chilled out and is a walking living breathing example of the advice I give to other people.  He is not perfect but who is.  

I have said a lot of things and should have kept my mouth shut.  They were said and he said his piece and here we are.  I don't know what will happen this week, or the next.  I am taking every day one at a time and will just hope for the best outcome.  Really the best outcome is that he leaves this job and I never see him again. I of course will be sad for a while but that is what really needs to happen, otherwise, I could get into some trouble and I don't know if I have the will power to walk away.  In an instant I dismissed him and said good bye but then the next moment I changed my mind.  I really need to spend this month alone and figure out how to get on the right path because I am floundering at the moment.  

Please pray for me.