Happy Sabbath

 It is the last Sabbath of the month and it is a good day.  I feel comfortable and rested well through the night.  I attended a good service and as I was participating during the service, my dad showed up at my door to drop off some tools he thought would help when I need to put the bikes together.  I gladly accepted the tools and he sat and stayed for the start of the service and left when it was time for the children's segment.  Hopefully something that was said finds root within his heart.  He had called my mother and his habit is to put things on speakerphone but he didn't communicate that I had my microphones on and the church could hear her as well.  I hope the songs I played were also a blessing for both of them and those who heard. I tried something new today.  I don't count myself as a singer and someone else that I have invited from time to time sings and plays at the same time.  I can do this but not for every song. Her voice is far more superior to anything I or many other church members can do.  I decided today to play the song and then invite church members to sing the verses.  Zoom doesn't have perfect audio match up so as much as I would like, we cannot play and sing at the same time.  This method today worked out a little better.  Perhaps one day I will be singing with all of the hymns I play and I won't mess up.  

It's good to have my son back.  I am making plans for August and know I will be kept busy with work and other items.  I have a pcp appointment on monday and my special xray appointment the following monday.  I want to go to the beach. I want to go ice skating.  I want to make the most of August and get in the best health of my life.  Today, really yesterday I have been getting into more asian style cuisine.  I purchased nori sheets and rice sheets with the intention of trying out making vegan sushi.  I didn't make sushi but I ended up making these delicious little parcels and enjoyed a good amount of them today as well.  I'll turn into a balloon in no time if I keep down this road.  So good food, comfortable home, a son that habitually destroys my room and rips the blankets of my bed because he wants to make a blanket/pillow fort: all these wonderful things are happening and I am not going to complain. 

God is good and I must keep praying and staying connected. My son came talking to me wanting a brother..brothers and a dad.  If he wants something like, he's gonna have to pray for it.  I am not popping out any babies any more but if the person God wants me to marry has a son or two, I wouldn't be against it.  

Happy Sabbath

He Answered

 Its Thursday, but I have something to post. 

I just received an answer to prayer. Now with this answer, I have even more questions and am trying to figure out what to ask next.

So, I have been out here...feeling a bit unwanted.
A whole lot unwanted. Self esteem dipping low. Dragging and sweeping the dust off the floor low and i have been trying to get past this transgression i made this month.

I have been avoiding asking God this because I wanted to be a boss and make it on my own. I thought I was doing ok until June came around.

So I prayed to know if the Lord has someone for me and wants me to be married. I asked Him if He didn't want me to get married and I should be single for the rest of my life, for Him to have one of my family members say the name of my son's father in my hearing this week. If I heard his name, then I would hVe to let go of all plans and hope about being in an awesome relationship.

Now to know if God was saying yes to this marriage thing and Him having the perfect person for me. I asked simply to see my first name in print somewhere, but the name had to belong to someone else. My name has a very unusual spelling and it is extremely rare that I see my spelling anywhere. I only know two other people who have it, it's that uncommon.

I was watching a video and laughing along while scrolling through the comments section as I often do and I came across the name.

I took a screen shot and put todays date in it.

Todays scripture is Mark 11:24

Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
Mark 11:24 KJV

I read that first at midnight before going to the video.

So there is someone for me out there and God has them marked. So many questions, but I trust His choice and His plans for me. Hopefully I'll trust more as I will surely go through more turbulence.

I want this person to have certain qualities and motivate me to stay on the right path with Jesus. I will talk more about this as time goes on and I see His plan come to fruition.

God is good even to the evil. We have to do better yall.

Two other things. I had ordered a mountain bike from amazon but they never sent it so I cancelled the order. I drove around to three walmarts I search for a bike but couldn't find one for me. I decided to order from Walmart online. I placed my order and it came si early, literally the very next day.

I was so happy and now I have my son's mountain bike and mine to out together in my living room. Now Tuesday, I had returned home after trying to resolve a pipe burst situation at my parents house while they arr away in NC and I was tired. I wanted to close up my house and go tosleep but decided to adult and clean up. As I started to, I looked out my door and saw a huge box sitting on my front porch.

It was another bike Walmart sent by accident. I decided to put it in the suv that I just so happened to borrow that day and clean up my house. My intention was to return it on Wednesday.

Wednesday morning I'm in the bathroom and had my phone on silent but this moment it was with me as early as time was. I got a call from my parents that they had returned and were around the corner from my house.

I was so glad I cleaned my house up so I was not embarrassed.

I went to the store to get my son a few things and at check out told the cashier that I had a case of water on the bottom of my cart. She said ok but I didn't realize she didn't ring it up until I was walking towards the exit. We were talking about the job and I was encouraging her to try a different shift. I could have tried to walk out with the water but I went over to customer service, rang it up and checked out.

So I could have gotten away with a whole entire bike and case of water. Not sure why those things happened, but I'm glad I did the right thing.

I'm going to watch vids for the last part of my break, but wanted to share this. Stay encouraged, dont give up, and keep your focus on Jesus and He will work it out for you, no matter how messed up you may feel you are.

Have a great and blessed week!

-----

Additon, addendum...whatever, something I want to add a few hours later.

It is important to keep your prayers private between you and the Lord and not share with others before you get your answer. Don't write them down or speak them out because the enemy is always trying to send a counterfeit version your way.

I wrote my experience this morning and tell me why about 6am at my part time, I'm over hearing coworkers who I don't vibe well with asking another person if he has a girlfriend and his topic immediately went to marriage and wanting to be married. The one who has a child and I believe is married warned him not to get married. The guy is not seeing anyone right now. The girl who was talking to him had said some negative mess in my direction before and she is a jealous type of person towards many people including me. She talked about having an annoying boyfriend. It was such an odd conversation to be occurring. This seemingly nice, good looking, responsible guy blurts out he wants to be married and is single.

He is African, slightly taller than me, has a name snatched straight out the Bible, but for all the time up until about a week ago, I was ignored by him and felt less than compared to the other women who he would talk to. It was only when I was trying to dodge the boss on my way out the door and off my shift that he started speaking to me. I guess he thought I was trying to hide from him. He happened to be standing closer to me than boss (boss was the one who asked if he had a girlfriend). He has greeted me these last few times and it's just weird. You know my name now? Why are you talking to me?

I have alot of praying to do. I don't need to be confused and side tracked by counterfeits. Everything is counterfeit until proven not to be.

Now, I am going in to the dentist for my appointment to see if I broke my front tooth and how much it will coat to keep it or get an implant. His fault and mine for asking, he picked me up and tried to slam me down and my teeth hit his forehead causing a cut for him but  probably very expensive damage for me. I'll pay whatever I need to fix my smile. Sucks that this happened but this is part of the price to pay for sinful behavior.

Reset

 Good morning and Happy Sabbath

I am thankful for another day of life.  To be breathing and rested, at home and in a safe space.  I am hitting the reset button and trying to get things right.

I just went on the tithing website..Adventist giving and as I was plugging in numbers I was surprised that I have so much in my bank account.  I don't think I forgot to pay anyone and even if I did, I'm just not used to having this much.  I have a check that has been sitting on my kitchen chair for the week that I need to deposit. I have not followed up with my full time and let free money go for the past several months and have been procrastinating on trying to even get a small portion of what remains to be redeemed from last fiscal year. 

I am sitting in abundance and I will just say thank You to the Lord for this. 

Another thing I am wondering about is New York.  While my son is away, I told myself I would have a trip over to NYC, a girl's day out to explore, shop and pamper myself.  I don't believe I did it in 2020, but am certain I did in 2019 when he was away then too. I was sitting and thinking about that this week and of course one of the content creators from the planter community, her song popped into my head and replaced my old NY theme when I think of the city. I was watching or rather listening to her do a tour with another beautiful black new yorker, me taking notes and thinking to myself I will visit this or that shop and come home finally with a hoya carnosa compacta when I got a text from a church sister asking me if I would consider a social work job in New York.  Since I'm still trying to remain annonymous on this platform, I won't identify the position that my church sis has as I'm sure people can put two and two together and that would be a dead give away.  She sent me this text within the moments I was watching that video and writing down what I wanted to do when I go tomorrow.  

I'll just say that I responded with an open mind and she sent me a link on a way to apply for this position. I doubt I really qualify for it but if God is opening a door and wants me to walk through it, I am willing to give it a try, even if it is outside my comfort zone.  

A few hours later as I was out my second time that day shopping for my NY trip (needed a battery pack for my phone so I can have hours of uninterrupted music), my sister texts me from Seattle and tells me she is going to flying to NY in a couple days.  I'm not sure why all this is happening now.  Maybe I shouldn't go?

I have both mountain bikes in my living room and do not have all the tools to put them together.  I started on my son's bike and the instructions...that booklet...it's just wrong man.  I went online to a youtube video for some help and still need to go purchase some allen wrenches (of all different sizes).  I bought a large adjustable wrench and three either smaller wrenches or pliers (more so) at Lowes yesterday.  If I had the bikes put together, I'd probably remain home and just ride my bike all over town.  I will still try to get the wrenches and see how far I can get.  If not, I'll ask my dad for help when he returns.  Last time I put together a bike was when I was living with my ficative aunt and her blood nephew had a bike at her house that needed to be put together.  Or maybe she owned the bike, I don't know.  All I know is the guy took too long to do anything so I went in her garage, got down and took care of it within an hour, with few instructions.  That bike was not a mountain bike and doesn't come with all the bells and whistles the ones I purchased recently have.  

I am thankful to have the bikes.  I am thankful for an opportunity to go to NYC and have time to see where I just..end up.  I hope to come back with a plant I love, indian snacks, african clothing, possibly another pair of Nikes if I can find a good color combo, visit the fashion nova store to get more jeans, and make my usual rounds when I head out there.  There is so much to see and do there. I might even stop in a theatre if I can find one to catch a movie and rest my feet. I might go to Coney Island.  I don't know what I will do, I'll find out tomorrow God willing.

Just because we veer off track and scrape a knee (or almost bust out a tooth in my case...I'm certain I have nerve damage and it still hurts), doesn't mean we can't get back up and keep on keeping on.  I veered off track and have disappointed God, myself, and I'm sure the angels who were looking on.  But I don't have to stay in that disappointment.  I want to live life and be safe in my life.  I want my life to have purpose and meaning, joy, excitement.  

One of my clients called me yesterday within that NY themed period of time asking for relationship advice.  I believe he turned 39 if not 40 this year and he is such a kind soul and a true sweet heart.  He is honest, does great work on his job and cares about the people in his life deeply but he is lonely and periodically calls me up instead of his therapist to talk about these issues.  I hope I gave him the right advice.  The pandemic has really made it hard for new people to meet and people who are shy like him, its like a boulder he just cannot get around.  I recommended that since he is a person who is of faith, that he consider checking out houses of worship and focus first on building friendships and networking.  The church, churches, even non christian organizations have people who are or should be welcoming and wanting to get to know visitors and members.  He can meet like minded people and who knows, as he mingles with others, he may be introduced to a potential partner.  

I am asking God even about myself as I reflect on what I told him.  I had a significant moment of weakness this week and it has me questioning everything about myself, who I am and what I stand for.  Does God want me to be married?  If I am married, will I remain faithful to my partner?  If He wants me to be married, will I be obedient and actually go through with getting married?  If I am married, I want that person to help me follow Jesus better than I have on my own.  I want him to be an awesome father to my son who wants..a dad.  I went to Walmart yesterday shopping for my son and saw some pants that looked cool in the little boys section.  I bought them for myself and they fit nicely (it's amazing, I can shop anywhere around the store now with all the weight I've lost).  I told him what I purchased and he loudly exclaimed, "you are not a daddy, how can you wear that?"  As I sat and looked at the pants, I then realized something else.  I realized that the pattern of the pants is the exact same pattern of the clothing the guy I was dealing with had worn earlier in the year.  I didn't realize it then...he may have a pair of pants that are like these or a hoodie...yeah I think a hoodie in this print.  Now I can't wear them to work but I am not returning them. They are cool and I like the pattern.  We were too much alike for alot of things.  

But back to the marriage topic.  I want to be safe.  I don't want to open up to someone and they tell me down the line that they were not serious and just kidding.  I don't want them to tell me that they no longer want me.  If God shows me for certain that this person is the person I need in my life, that's good but I need absolute assurance that this person will not reject me, harm me, try to harm me or my son, and will stand for truth and what is good for the rest of his life.  If he cannot do those things. If there is no promise that this guy can do these things, I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life.  It's all or nothing. It's perfection or its trash.  

So I'm hitting the reset button.  I need to get something to eat and prepare for Sabbath school.  I prayed and will wait for the Lord's response.  I understand if He doesn't want to answer me because I don't deserve His goodness after where I have gone.  But I will wait.  

Today's verse:  So then faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17

Had to Vent..through a poem

----Here goes

Am I breathing?

The mud is not receding

The enemy  just keeps defeating

how is my heart even beating

My tooth has lost its normal feeling

I might even still be bleeding

What is it that I have been believing

I mean seriously, what in my life has meaning?

Lord, why am I still breathing

Why am I still breathing

I have abandoned you and you still have me here

What can I do for you has been what I've said all these years

I don't know why I allowed myself to do what I feared

Now I'm sitting here literraly in tears

Why am I breathing

What is my purpose on this earth

Am I under a curse

I know what I did made my life much worse

I can't even say that this was my first

I have lost my motivation

How can I get it back

I don't even know where to start, there is so much mess to unpack

My mind and heart are completely disordered

and I feel like a small animal, unprotected and cornered

by an enemy that is always roaring through these streets and now in my own house

the flames grow stronger with every drop that I douse

of this kerosine, this fuel , 

if i burn myself  with it would life feel less cruel?

I mean it is me, its not like I'm allowing my worst enemy to do it.

I can't do it.  I can't do it

Why am I breating? 

You alone have the reason

but I trust it. I trust You.  

Enough with the rhyming, I need to feel this pain.

This is not my home. You have said in Your Father's house there are many mansions and You have gone out to prepare

a place for me. I don't deserve that place. And even in my sin, You still chose to go. I have sinned even after I considered myself fully surrendered to You and You still have blessed me. Help me to connect with You. 

Help me to have a stronger and lasting relationship with You.

When I am weak, You are strong. When I am distraught, You are my peace. When I am afraid and at my wits end, You are my sanity. I may not be whole right now. I may not be where I need to be, but in this moment I am going to praise You.  Let the enemy have that. I praise You Lord Jesus.  I praise You. I thank You.  I thank You for a way out. I thank You for today. I thank You for my life. I thank You for being patient with me. I thank You for love. I thank You for today. 

It Is Finished

 

This didn't need to happen.

I went to far yesterday and knew that disaster was ahead. A few moments ago he told me he just wanted to be friends. After where we have gone, there just is no way. I don't want to be friends and told him to lose my number. I also deleted the chat and everything I have on him.

I expected this. All of this didn't need to happen, but you know what? I had been praying for a way out and it sucks that it went as far as it did before I could get out.

It just solidifies some things I have thought about myself that I wont share on here, but God knows.

I thank God that I am out. He gave me breath for another day and I need to get my focus back to Him, where it needs to be. I will get my focus back. I cannot allow anyone to get in between ever again.

How do I feel at this moment? I'm not heart broken. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed or at least I don't think I am. I am shaking internally. I am numb. But I will be alright. As long as I have breath and there is today, I will be alright. And I thank God for that.

Tik Tok

 Happy Sabbath

I heard a sermon today and remain in the valley of indecision.  God knows me and knows my heart. He knows my strengths and weaknesses.  I don't want the door to be shut on me.  I don't know how I've come to this place but I need prayer. I come on here to talk about God's goodness and His blessings to me and He has been good to me.  

I received a notification in the mail claiming that I didn't cash a check from over a year ago and they wanted to see if I still want it.  I have yet to follow up with them because of course I do. I have been seeing blessings of money coming from many directions and I thank the Lord for them.  But I don't deserve any of it.  I received my first check for the child tax thing that is given out starting July 15th for the next 6 months or 1 year (what ever it is supposed to be) and was able to put that away in my account. 

I responded poorly to my mother and know I do not deserve to have the suv she promised me. It is in my driveway but I do not intend to keep it unless she insists.  I used it to drive around to at least three walmarts in search for a bike because Amazon delivered all of my packages and my son's bike but not my own. I cancelled my order with them (they doubled the price of the bike and never spoke on how long the delay to ship at the original price would be).  I am thankful because after I cancelled my order with them, I was able to get a bike cheaper and nicer and use an employee discount (I do work there part time). It will be delivered to me so I will now have to put two bikes together which I haven't done that in quite some yearage but I'm sure I can manage. 

But yeah, I have the suv temporarily and am able to enjoy the working air conditioning in it which my ford does not possess. 

Sunday, I was able to do a good portion of a AAA defensive driving course online with my little sister. After that, we went to the mall and I purchased my first pair of Nikes and not even 2 days later, I headed out to get another pair which I haven't even worn.  I have money to shop as I please. I can pay my bills (I was late one day for my chase card but I am able to make a sizable payment). I have a lot of positives and thank the Lord for them.

I'm still in this precarious situation with that guy. It has not gone away and it could become much worse. I don't know what I will do.  I am seeing two things. Church family is aloof and unresponsive and I in turn am mirroring that. He maintains a positive mindset and is responsive. Why is it this way?  All the things I said I would not say, I have said. He gave me such an amazing hug Thursday and I am certain another coworker saw us, one who is a buddy of his and was in one of my nightmares.  This really can and probably started some other mess/talk at work.  I guess I will find out when I get there won't I? 

I gotta get on the right track because I seriously am losing my way.  My time for playing around is running out.

Alone

 Happy Sabbath

I am enjoying my first few days vacation from my family.  I had hoped for my son to be able to join the zoom we have for church service today but my parents won't have enough data until next week so I have to slow/stop with all the texting until then.  Calls should still be fine. They went to Carolina to do more work on the house and took him with them. 

Yesterday was a good day. I finished my work and headed out to Pep boys to get a new tire because it kept going flat. Perhaps I should start at the beginning. Sunday I went to Six Flags with my sister and son and had a good time.  I got on a roller coaster ride for the first time in years and the purpose of me going was to have my son experience his first roller coaster ride and see fire works for July 4th.  We did a fire works show a few years ago and I didn't want him to miss out being the perfect opportunity. It was a wonderful time and such a blessing. 

I had received some text messages from the guy at work that hit me the wrong way and almost immediately, I had dismissed him and went on with the trip with my family. I also had a poor encounter with my mother and I don't want to say it is because it is that time of the month, but it could be.  No, I probably should not be dealing with the guy and definitely should not have reacted the way that I did to my mother.  They both were being more reasonable than I was.  I apologized to my mother but have decided to forfeit the car she was offering me.  I am back on good terms with dude.  I know I am not doing right so I don't deserve to have that car.  There has to be some checks and balances in place and sometimes we have to check ourselves and hard too.  

So I am driving my car this summer and intend to just turn on their cars once a week or more so that the summer heat does not destroy the batteries when they return to use them. 

My sister has been inserting herself into my affairs and I don't really like that too much. I did agree to doing a defensive driving course with her tomorrow on a day I typically do my own thing. I intend to clean my house, try to get my lawn and definitely those hedges.  I sometimes get so tired that I will sleep most of the day away. I am running constantly, even on Sabbath and I have been checking out of activities and events people try to sign me up for and expect me to be at (not understanding or perhaps caring that I have a lot going on).  I am not sacrificing myself, not now anyway.  It is such a big deal for most people to give all of themselves and stuff they don't have, and if you don't do it, you are selfish, mean, and unchristlike.  How can I help other people if I don't have any energy?  You have to have your safety gear on first before you can go help other people but some keep missing the point and frankly, I don't care anymore what they think.  Perhaps that's why I am also in this dangerous zone right now with the situation I brought up before.  I have not put brakes on that situation.  I am still talking with him and to be honest, enjoying the different perspective that he presents.  I didn't realize how negative I was or how anxious I have been until he came around and he is surprisingly more positive and chilled out and is a walking living breathing example of the advice I give to other people.  He is not perfect but who is.  

I have said a lot of things and should have kept my mouth shut.  They were said and he said his piece and here we are.  I don't know what will happen this week, or the next.  I am taking every day one at a time and will just hope for the best outcome.  Really the best outcome is that he leaves this job and I never see him again. I of course will be sad for a while but that is what really needs to happen, otherwise, I could get into some trouble and I don't know if I have the will power to walk away.  In an instant I dismissed him and said good bye but then the next moment I changed my mind.  I really need to spend this month alone and figure out how to get on the right path because I am floundering at the moment.  

Please pray for me.

July Blessings

 Happy Sabbath

It has been a good week. A short week but a good one.  My finances have been blessed greatly.  A large amount was taken out in taxes but what remained, I set about using it for some nice things I wanted and need around here.  My supervisor gave me an Amazon gift card which I used to purchase an electric leaf blower and a JBL waterproof speaker that I can use for when I am in the suv.  The suv is from 2008 and is not equipped with bluetooth technology so I want to listen to my music via phone but have awesome sound.  I will be able to use the speaker in the car, for church events, at home in the shower and anywhere I just want to jam. I have been in the presence of two people who used the same speakers and can attest that they are of excellent quality and a great purchase to make.  

Next after my bonus came in, I thought about a wide range of things from paying off my Amex card in full, to just storing the funds away for a rainy day.  I know that when I come into money, I take a painfully long amount of time to make a decision so I decided to change this and went forward quickly (within 24 hours) to make purchases of things I needed and wanted.  First I looked for a bike for myself and knowing my son's bike is getting too small, I put a bike in the cart for him as well.  Long story short, I purchased two mountain bikes for us, a warranty for his bike alone because of his carelessness, and Jabra over ear headphones from the top 10 2021 headphones list.  I also purchased Six Flags theme park tickets for tomorrow for my son, sister and myself.  Yesterday I bought some items he will need for his trip to the Carolinas.  I feel like I'm leaving some other things out but yeah, I spent a lot of money in a very short amount of time and that is definitely not like me.  

I purchased the bikes because for one, it is not appropriate for me to be scooting along and struggling on his scooter to keep up with him on his bike.  HIs bike is getting too small for him and doesn't have the features he needs to really stop and be safe, hence the mountain bike.  I need to get out and get more fitness beyond mowing the lawn weekly.  I purchased some heavier ankle weights yesterday and am really trying to turn into a savage this month so I have to get the equipment and put aside the time to do so.  The head phones will be most enjoyable when I am doing outdoor activities and going to the store.  The head phones were ordered and arrived the same day I placed the order from 2 states away.  I am very satisfied with the sound quality and level of comfortability when wearing them. No more buds falling out of my ears.  50 hrs of battery power and easy pairing ability.  

So I am thankful for the funds to get these things. Things that will make my experience at home, doing yard work, and other work much better and things I can enjoy with my son.  He doesn't know about Six Flags so he will be surprised when we roll up there tomorrow.  

I am still struggling with the other situation of course.  I need to repot my monstera.  I'm looking at it and I just don't have enough room for it.  Another plant I had for longer, my alocacia poly decided to pop out a flower. I didn't know those jokers could flower.  I remember when I first purchased it, it was gorgeous and full and then quickly, instantly, it started dying.  It was down to a stub and I was in shock and upset. I had spent good coin on it and though everything and everyone could say the thing was dead, throw it away, I held on to it and continued to care for the stub. The stub showed signs it was coming back and not before long, it had huge shoots once more.  It was dealing with the shock of a new environment, but I didn't know that.  Now the joker has a flower and more leaves than when it first started out 2 years ago. I am still looking at the monstera deliciosa.  Am I unintentionally stunting its growth like my own spiritual growth?  I'm still curious and want to see where this will go.  Never thought I would ever be in this position.