Crossroads...again

 Happy Sabbath

Never thought I would be struggling and in this place. 

God is good, too good for me I have to get my mind right. This week, I came to work and they told me I was getting another $1.00 raise. When I went on break, I did something I ordinarily do not do. I checked an email from my agency's director for my other job that was not clearly labeled. I opened it and discovered that not only am I getting a $1000 raise with them but they are also giving me a $2200 bonus.  My parents this week said they were giving me my mom's SUV permanently. My dad also tried to take me down to get the remote for my ford replaced on thursday and offered to pay for it but my work ran long so I rain checked him and what else, oh my baby grand was also tuned yesterday.  A church sister...mother gifted me with  money to tune the piano and I used it to get it close to concert pitch.  Then there is the parent stimulus tax credit coming. There is so much blessing and here I'm out here living reckless.

I am not doing communion today because of that. I know I am not in the right place. I have to figure out a way out of this. I keep asking how did I get here. I read about touch starvation and wonder if that is really the issue. There are things I said that I can't get back. I see him every night at work and I can't hide from him. I can avoid but not for long. Lately, I have not been avoiding him. Dude has the best cuddles. He actually picked me up, like completely off the ground, that's shocking in itself.  I tried to set it straight and put him in his place but clearly I have not been successful.  

I had my second dream about him last night. This time we were walking together around my childhood home in a crowd of my church family. He embraced and gave me a kiss, but in an angle not many would be able to see.  This dream should be pretty straightforward. I'm dealing with this man and I shouldn't be, all in plain sight.  

My son and I had a talk last night. He said he wanted me to get married so he could have a dad. He even picked out a name or names. He said Jovan, Mike, or Carlos and I had to laugh.  He said he should be white...I really think he is looking for hispanic. What happened to my king of the motherland man, that's what I was looking for?  I don't know why I've opened this door. I watched two videos about women looking for their signficant others when I wasn't even seeking them.  Youtube recommended them and strangely enough, both ladies were exactly my age and beautiful to behold but one believed she was lacking beauty.  I often don't feel I am beautiful and don't have pretty privilege.  I look in the mirror and see a 7 but people's behavior around me over the years confuse me and they act like the number is higher.What is it that people see.  I have another person at work who tried to get me a pair of sneakers. As I was leaving to use the restroom, I'm certain when we (him and another passerby) were talking about cars, he said he wanted to ride with me.  This guy I'm certain is older than me, nice looking but shorter and has a bit of creepiness to him.  We started this job at the same time so he knows what I look like without the mask. Others come around acting macho and one definitely rushes to move, lift and do anything so I don't have to lift a finger. I don't know what to do with all of this.

I am at the crossroads of really messing myself up. It's Sabbath and I'm going to take my rest and keep trying to do something right, to live right.  God knows my mind better than I know myself. I have so much work to do.