Turn Right

 I'm back for a moment. I was on zoom and during the service, church sis that I've known since I was four years old posted a reminder in the chat that there was still time to pick up our items for communion and to stop by her house. I changed my mind and decided to head over there to pick up.  I have to still try. I can't just give up.  God has brought me through so much and He knows what I am struggling with and the wrong choices I have made.  I have to try.  I headed over there when rain was falling and part way, the rain stopped and the sun came out quickly as did the warm up.  She only lives 8-10 min away from me on the other side of town. 

As I picked up my emblems, she handed me stuff to deliver to another family that has been missing Sabbath school and I only saw back during the Juneteeth event that our church went out to evangelize during.  I dropped off their items and did my best to call and text her the information so she too could participate in communion and be encouraged.  I had stopped at her door and the babies opened it.  She is dealing with so much. Her husband is a drunk and gone north in the state messing around with other women and up to no good. Her oldest children, now adults are parting ways and leaving messes behind for her to tackle. One if not two are off to school but at least one if not three are moving in with their boyfriends.  She is taking care of two of her grandbabies and the parents are absent.  She has a house filled with children and she has health problems and is dealing with loneliness and other struggles. Her mother is going through it.  There is so much. 

Even if she didn't participate today, I'm glad I could drop off the items. I played piano along with the pianist at the church on zoom and was reminded of what Christ did for me and what I owe Him. The guy at work texted me this morning. He didn't text me for most of thursday or at all on Friday and I have told him time and time again that I am busy on Sabbath and must attend to church matters.  Perhaps as I keep repeating this maybe he will have more interest in getting closer to God.  I shared with him some of my testimony as to why I believe.  I know he is not there yet, and even as we are not in the right place dealing with each other, I still am going to share.  I am obligated to.  Maybe Jesus will wake him up and get him on the right path.  I have heard of people even in their sinning talk about Jesus and what He meant to them, how He affected their lives and the people who have heard their testimony, years later, God turned something around for them and their eyes were opened. I don't know what will happen in my friend's case but I have to try to follow Christ and encourage others around me to do the same.  

My path has really been zig zaggy this month but for this hour I have chosen to turn to the right at that cross road.  Happy Sabbath and no matter how hard it is, how difficult the challenge do not lose your faith and do what you can to be faithful.

Crossroads...again

 Happy Sabbath

Never thought I would be struggling and in this place. 

God is good, too good for me I have to get my mind right. This week, I came to work and they told me I was getting another $1.00 raise. When I went on break, I did something I ordinarily do not do. I checked an email from my agency's director for my other job that was not clearly labeled. I opened it and discovered that not only am I getting a $1000 raise with them but they are also giving me a $2200 bonus.  My parents this week said they were giving me my mom's SUV permanently. My dad also tried to take me down to get the remote for my ford replaced on thursday and offered to pay for it but my work ran long so I rain checked him and what else, oh my baby grand was also tuned yesterday.  A church sister...mother gifted me with  money to tune the piano and I used it to get it close to concert pitch.  Then there is the parent stimulus tax credit coming. There is so much blessing and here I'm out here living reckless.

I am not doing communion today because of that. I know I am not in the right place. I have to figure out a way out of this. I keep asking how did I get here. I read about touch starvation and wonder if that is really the issue. There are things I said that I can't get back. I see him every night at work and I can't hide from him. I can avoid but not for long. Lately, I have not been avoiding him. Dude has the best cuddles. He actually picked me up, like completely off the ground, that's shocking in itself.  I tried to set it straight and put him in his place but clearly I have not been successful.  

I had my second dream about him last night. This time we were walking together around my childhood home in a crowd of my church family. He embraced and gave me a kiss, but in an angle not many would be able to see.  This dream should be pretty straightforward. I'm dealing with this man and I shouldn't be, all in plain sight.  

My son and I had a talk last night. He said he wanted me to get married so he could have a dad. He even picked out a name or names. He said Jovan, Mike, or Carlos and I had to laugh.  He said he should be white...I really think he is looking for hispanic. What happened to my king of the motherland man, that's what I was looking for?  I don't know why I've opened this door. I watched two videos about women looking for their signficant others when I wasn't even seeking them.  Youtube recommended them and strangely enough, both ladies were exactly my age and beautiful to behold but one believed she was lacking beauty.  I often don't feel I am beautiful and don't have pretty privilege.  I look in the mirror and see a 7 but people's behavior around me over the years confuse me and they act like the number is higher.What is it that people see.  I have another person at work who tried to get me a pair of sneakers. As I was leaving to use the restroom, I'm certain when we (him and another passerby) were talking about cars, he said he wanted to ride with me.  This guy I'm certain is older than me, nice looking but shorter and has a bit of creepiness to him.  We started this job at the same time so he knows what I look like without the mask. Others come around acting macho and one definitely rushes to move, lift and do anything so I don't have to lift a finger. I don't know what to do with all of this.

I am at the crossroads of really messing myself up. It's Sabbath and I'm going to take my rest and keep trying to do something right, to live right.  God knows my mind better than I know myself. I have so much work to do.

Evangelism

Happy Sabbath,

Very short post. God is good. My church just participated in a Juneteenth event and we were able to give out so many Steps to Christ books (all of the African American ones) and many others as well as do blood pressure screenings, other give always and talk to people about Jesus and health. It was a good day. I had only intended on being there for set up. I was the first one there to pick a spot and stayed till the end and it was such a great evangelistic opportunity.

There was even a moment I went to get my umbrella just in case and God held back the rain until I had it in hand. God is good and I pray that those who took from our tents will be blessed. 

When I am Weak

 Happy Sabbath

When I am weak, He is strong.  I need to and will put my trust in Him.  This week has been a good week.  I was able to take off Thursday and Friday and add on more time to get better rest.  A meeting I dreaded earlier this week did not turn into disaster and for that I am thankful.  Yes, one director did some reaching but it's okay, I made it through is what matters.  An investigation is occuring now because of some shady moves my client's family made and I have tried hoped for the best and tried to stay optimistic.  I know she is going through a lot but if the suspicions come out to be true, there is not much I can do.  The same for her in me saying when we know to do right and we do not do it, it applies to me as well.  

Yes, I needed this mini break from work.  I hope to go ice skating tomorrow with my son. Need to check on my pinky toe to make sure I didn't really damage it. I hit it on a fabric box I store my socks inside of one of the cubbies of my kallax system.  That was yesterday and my pinky toe still hurts.  My son has never been ice skating before but for me, I had a semester in college learning to ice skate.  I finished the course being able to go from point A to point B without falling down. Nothing really fancy beyond stopping and attempting a basic slow spin or two.  At this age, I probably shouldn't attempt but I saw the opportunity on group on and want to give my son amazing experiences to look back to and say, "I did all these amazing things in my childhood and I was not deprived of anything that I needed."

I am thankful for the funds to make my son's bed experience much more luxurious.  His bed is so nice that now I have to go out and do the same because it is so comfortable and nice.  Every bed needs to have at least 3 comforter options and I am setting about that.

Service was good today.  Good to see people pop on and turn on cameras I have not seen in a while.  Now to the guy. I pray that I can be a positive influence in the lives of everyone I encounter.  That situation is still trouble for me.  I am praying for him as well as my aunt who is in rehab after breaking her femur.  She is in her late 70's. My dad will be turning 80 later this month and need to keep him in prayer as well.  But yeah, the guy, that guy.  He must stay at work or find a new job.  I am not leaving my employer, that's good money.  He should find a new job. He needs more experience at this stage in his life.  I am open to meeting with him out in public, going to the park or movie theatre.  I am open to having a lunch date.  Why am I being so open?  Why is he being so persistent? What is it going to take for this to stop?  I hope that I can be a positive influence.  I hope that the Lord will turn our hearts the way they need to be because I know for this, I'm not in the best place.  He hinted he would not be at work tonight and I hope that is true.  I can focus on my work and get my mind off of him.  I don't need him in my field of vision.  I don't need to hear the sound of his voice.  I need that all to be silenced.  All the what ifs I passed through and there were many what ifs I turned down.  Why am I weak now?  

Pray for me.

It's a War

 Happy Sabbath

I wish I could say I had a perfect beautiful week.  I had some good days and moments this week and praise the Lord for them, but I also had some failures...or weaknesses I should say.

I said things I should not have said and risking my own salvation.  That's not cool.  I need prayer to overcome all of this. It's crazy how your mind will try to rationalize things no matter how long you have studied and come to know those things are not the right way.  I am facing great temptation and I just made the situation so much worse.  

So pray I do not give into temptation. Pray that I can rise above the place I have put myself and shouldn't have put myself. I prayed to avoid this guy at work but I want to stay cordial with everyone and had tried to maintain a platonic level of friendliness.  He came over asking about an item and he didn't have to do this but he asked me to hold it for him so he could pick it up when it was time for all to leave in the morning.  By the end of my shift, I wanting to do my part and keep my word had the item in hand. I had expected him to come down around the time I would clock out but he had not so I set about picking up the items I needed for the finishing touches of my soiree (Memorial day barbecue, I'm fancy like that) and took my time going to those areas. I approached check out and had in my mind to put his item aside because I didn't see him but he came up right as I was about to do that.  I handed him his item and made my purchase.  

Stupid me said to him that it made more sense for me to be able to text him so I wouldn't have to search all over the store looking for him for stuff like this.  He has tried to meet up with me before and I know many of my coworkers who are comfortable enough to text or call each other when they need something or need to get ahold of another worker. He agreed and asked for my number and I gave it.  

I wanted to know that he got my number so I had him call it and then he texted me a photo of a galaxy.  Then the texts continued several times this week. Sometimes for hours. I tried to maintain that platonic level of friendliness and he dipped into flirtation and continued to dip lower and lower and eventually I dropped to that level too.  He called it demon time and I have to say, he named that correctly.

So there were things I said I can't take back. I said them. He gives an amazing back massage too. It has not gone beyond that. He is a fellow ATT user and for some reason pictures that are sent by me take years to send.  Strangely enough and I should probably say thankfully enough what ever he tried to send to me would not load on my phone. I get everyone else's though. I'm not sure what type of file he is sending. I told him I was a Seventh day adventist and I told him that I would not talk to him during Sabbath. I'll check back in with him tonight when I go into work.  He says he is a christian but other things are leading him and not in the best direction.  I am trying to understand his mindset, how people like him operate and find teachable moments but I know I am playing with fire dealing with him. 

Talking to him, I have learned to some degree how weak I am.  It is a war against the flesh, it truly is and I have to win it. I was up front about my attraction to him and he never hid his. How do I move forward from here and not fall?  I know it is possible and so I will do what I can to take the high road.  

So please pray that I do not give into temptation. I have never encountered this amount of persistence before and was confused as to what to do. The sermon last week mirrored my experience and the answer was to flee. We work together. We pass each other constantly.  When they go through the list of people present and when they assign people, they often say his name and my name together.  He has hawk vision so even from a distance he can see me before I can slip away out of view. Even when it appears he is looking in another direction, he knows where I am and shows it. I can't hide.

I had a dream some weeks ago, not sure why or what it was for.  Perhaps he is gay, and he is trying to hide this?  In my dream he was engaging in inappropriate actions with another male and so I put to rest in my mind he really didn't have any genuine interest in me and thought I was in the clear. This month is June and people are calling it pride month sickeningly enough. Not only that, while at work I noticed two nice looking tall guys I work with and every time I pass one, I see the other following behind him (neither doing their job).  I was put with one the guys and he took 3 hours to do what takes 30 min and he didn't even want to lift a finger despite seeming strong tall and masculine.  Dude disappeared for 45 minutes and as I passed through the store I heard others commenting on how they would see the two constantly with each other.  People noticed and surely if I am hanging around this other guy who has interest in me, they know too. 

The boss noticed and called him on it. I couldn't defend him because I didn't know the guy, second you clearly were not doing your work and allowing me a female, a woman to work the heaviest of the load (I do my thang regardless), and he took the device I needed to work quicker than I was. I told him that we could share but he held on to it and really didn't even use it. He didn't give me anything to help him out.  So as of the end of this week, I am now even more puzzled about the dream I had weeks ago because here I have someone who is following me around and won't leave me alone and over there I see two guys who won't leave each other alone and I am almost certain they are intimately involved with one another.  I don't know but I know when I dream, my dreams mean something and I don't usually dream. I don't dream because I don't sleep long enough to get into that state.  

So what is really going on here? I don't know but I have to make sure I don't fall in the process. I have to be on my guard.  I want to be friends and told him this. I know what he wants  and he knows what I want but I have to be the stronger, better person and know with Christ's help, I can be.  

The war is on.