Something Better Ahead

Happy Saturday

I just got back home from a great day at church and nursing home.  This week again was VERY challenging but I did the best I could do and I’m certain those above me can see that and will accept my work.  Sunday was going to be a quiet day for me.  I was disappointed that something I prayed for did not come through by last Sabbath and Sunday came, my friend called me to see what I was up to (if I was planning on going out shopping on Black Friday).  I told her I didn’t have money and what I wanted was a part time job. She proceeded to tell me about a job opportunity that accepted walk ins and wanted me to come with her.  I prepared myself, not knowing what it was and took my son over to her house so he could stay with her daughter (she is five, my son is six) and be supervised by others I have trust and respect for.  Before I was leaving my town, I noticed police creating a road block up on the street I typically leave from.  I have never encountered that when leaving from that street so I was a bit thrown off, but turned around and headed out by another way.  As I approved the intersection leading into her neighborhood, it too was blocked by a guy with a tow truck.  I did an about face and drove around by some other way to get in.  I was able to pick her up and when I reapproached that same intersection, the road block that was there was gone. 

I don’t know what all that was for.  As we were driving up, I realized it was for an employer I tried going to before.  I had gone through the whole process but they didn’t send one email that I needed to really be on board.  I was promised pay for the training I attended but they never paid me or officially acknowledged me as an employee despite sending me emails and calls frequently throughout the weeks about my status as their employee. I was confused, frustrated and dropped pursuing them during the summer.  

Then here I was again, Sunday at a new location seeking employment.  My friend is from Jamaica and the people I know are very self assured, confident and come at opportunities like they already have them.  She was certain I would be able to get in. She was also certain they would ignore the fact she was late for her appointment and that she would still be able to speak to a manager and move up through the process.  Unfortunately, that’s not how they do things out here.  She was told to return back at 6pm.  I decided to drive her back for 6pm and they did accept her, but I didn’t have an appointment so they turned me away.  I sat out in the car for almost 2 hours and looked through the website to realize that I withdrew my previous applications.  Back in June, I believed I was hired on in a certain position so I didn’t see the need for keeping the applications open for the others. The emails I was receiving about them were becoming very annoying.  I went back through the application process again and would later get an appointment date for Tuesday night at 6pm.  I went to the appointment and the position was much different from the other one I applied for.  The guy doing the talk/recruiting was very intimdating and I saw two other people who were there for the job I applied for back during the summer time.  Funny how their information too was missing like mine was.  I feel like they will have the same fate as me and get frustrated too.  I did what I needed to do and ended up leaving there with a gift card.  I am still waiting for an email for my orientation date and any other emails I need to complete.  If they don’t send me those emails, then there really is no point.  Maybe the double road block thing was to show that it is still not my time for this yet, that this is not the job for me.  I just want a part time job to make ends meet and to give the Lord His just due. 

My week at my full time job has been rough and I am thankful for vacation.  I am thankful that I am off for four days.  I get so many holidays and about three-four weeks pto. I will be using more at the end of December.

I did some Christmas shopping and I just have to get a few things for my son, some gift bags and I’m done.  I went out Thanksgiving night and black Friday, never thought I would and with my son at that.  Thanksgiving, I spent it with my parents and two sisters.  My dad’s coworker (my coworker too but he befriended her first since she was in his department), she came up with her husband and step children and brought some delicious food from Ghana.  I didn’t ask but I think her husband is Liberian, but it don’t matter, the beans and rice were good. I’m plant based vegetarian (not vegan, I eat honey) and I had some good options to choose from. I wish I could have tried the meat pies and stew she brought.  I made my jerk asparagus.  I thought about making festival, but I was out of cooking oil so I just did the one dish.  We had a good time and it was nice to see her doing well. 

She has a test coming up for citizenship next week so that is something to pray for.  I also was asked to be the music coordinator at my church so that is another thing I need to pray about.  I am thankful for a great November.  I was stressed and wanted to pull my hair out.  I am thankful I made it through the week and was able to be of service to the Lord through music/song today.

God is Good

Happy Saturday. 

Sabbath ended a few minutes ago and I’m just getting home.  I had a heart to heart with my mother and little sister after a fantastic Sabbath day at church. 

No matter what happens, I know Jesus is alive and well and He cares for me.  It’s hard for my mother.  It’s hard for my family, my clients. It’s hard for me. We are all dealing with struggles and tough situations but we have to keep looking up. 

My work week was packed full of difficulty but I forged ahead and will continue to try my best with what I have.  This is the time of year when things are supposed to quiet down at work; when I’m worried about not being productive enough on my job but some of my clients on my caseload now have some really challenging situations and I’m not sure how to work through them. 

I was told if I did ABC, I would get a 1k bonus which I desperately need.  Now I was told others and myself have to complete a second quarter before they pay out for the first.  I opened another credit card and put a major expense I needed to make on it.  I mean my wheel was going to fall off my car what other choice did I have? I’m still trying to forge ahead. 

God did not open that door I was praying for this week.  Just because He didn’t doesn’t mean I should turn my back on Him.   I know what He has brought me through and I want to and am still going to hold on.

My mother shared about the difficulty she has with my dad every day.  Anyone who knows about narcissim would understand what I’m talking about.  My sister is planning on getting married and he is trying to meddle in that and won’t give his blessing.  Everyone is less than in his eyes, all suitors, friends, family, and even us. 

 I love my dad, but he is a narc and makes everyone miserable around him after too long of an exposure.  If my mother ever wants to move in with me, all she has to do is say the word. She would not have to worry about steps or an accessible bathroom.  I want to help her with the house in Carolina. If the house was fixed up, she would be down there permanently. 

It’s been a hard week but I want to thank the Lord that I made it to the end. I thank Him for my family, my church family, my employer and the kind of hearts they have (I am proud to be an employee there and associated with such wonderful people).  I thank Him that my son had a good week at school and that he could stay with my parents today during service at church (he would have been a nightmare if I brought him today).  I thank Him for signs of life. I put a huge avocado seed in soil and it has sprung forth four branches which perhaps one day will grow a healthy tree.  I thank Him for my piano, for music, for my house, for my car still running, and for everything He has blessed me with.  God is good. 

Return

Happy Sabbath

Today was a good day.  I had a good day at church and just got home with my son.  My son had a great first week at his new school.

I was concerned because I noticed when he was around one of two children at church, he would tantrum.  At his new school, both of those children attend and my son came home day one excited saying his two friends helped him find his classroom.  I went up on day two to drop off his medication consent form and saw the one child in the hall, or actually he saw me first.  My son saw his friends every day he went to school and he had positive interactions with them every time. 

This week was very difficult starting back at work.  I also had something interesting happen following a conversation I had with a church sister.  She suggested we connect for Friday to fast and pray about Jack and other things and as I was making up in my mind what I was going to do, I was also looking at a youtube video and at random, after I got the message from my friend, I started the video and the first words that the video had were “stop eating”.  It spelled it out on a fridge in some video like 5 minute crafts or something I don’ recall.  I decided I would put aside that day for prayer and fasting.  The day came and I got through it.  I opted to stay home instead of taking my son out to Friday night prayer and worship since I didn’t feel he was ready and it was just too soon.

I had two unsettling dreams last night.  One that pained my heart seeing my son in this condition.  The one I had before I woke up was strange and I still don’t know why but what I remember from the dream, I was at work typing service notes or something in a room that was not familiar to me when a bunch of people came in hurriedly and on a mission.  They varied in age and came in to either set up something or look for something and then they headed out just as quickly as they came.  I was so confused but still decided to continue on working.  Then moments later the same group came back in and it was as if they were supposed to be using the room for something.  I saw one woman and didn’ recognize her but she recognized me and hugged me and I remember crying and feeling joy.  The group of people who came in both times were Mennonites. 

I don’t know why I dreamed of the Mennonites.  Perhaps it’s God’s call to me to be humble and return to my first joy, when I first knew Him.  When I realized that Jesus was real and desired to learn more about Him, He lead me there to the Mennonite church.  I attended for a year and enjoyed studying in an apartment that they had, and staying there for hours, days if I could.  I learned about the Sabbath while there and was observing it even though I attended church with them on Sundays.  I decided to leave that church when I found a job and was faced with a choice (work Sunday or the Sabbath).  I chose to work on Sunday and was heart broken leaving my church behind.  I then prayed about a church that kept God’s commandments and where I should go.  I came to the Adventist church and prayed for a sign and the Lord answered the same day.  I have other confirmations that the Adventist church is where the Lord wants me to be, but that doesn’t make all that I saw at the Mennonite church wrong.  They are wonderful people and I hope that I will see many of them if not all, in the kingdom when Jesus returns. 

I woke up this morning and had one of my favorite songs in my head.  What will you do with Jesus, neutral you cannot be. One day your heart will be asking, what will He do with me?  That was the song I heard in the car when my new Mennonite friends drove me home.  That song stuck with me all these years.  I have a cd from them and all the music that they gave me was acapella style music.  I played that song on my piano at home this morning.  I played it when I came to church. 

I have a prayer I need the Lord to answer next week.  Even if He doesn’t, I want to remain committed to Him and determine to never walk away no matter how hard things get.  Things are tough right now but I know that the Lord is able and He has cattle upon a thousand hills.  All the hills. 

Return to your first love.  I think that’s the message from the dream.  That was also the message I heard from the speaker today.  When I was in that dusty apartment and other floors in that church I didn’t come to seek friends. I didn’t come looking for certain people, to show off my outfit, or some skill.  I came to see Jesus.  My thoughts were on Jesus.  All hours of day.  Prayer at all times.  That’s the message I got from today and it is right on time. 

Give it to God

Happy Sabbath

This is a much earlier post than most.  I am writing at 3:23am this Sabbath morning because of an unfortunte sequence of events that unfolded over the last 7 hours. 

I am thankful that my car is running.

I am thankful that my car is safer than it was a day ago on the road.

I am thankful to be home

I am thankful that my parents are back at their home as well, much earlier than expected.

I am thankful to have returned home to a crockpot hot full of coconut jerk lentils I had cooking for all the time I didn’t expect to be away from home.

It is freezing outside but I am thankful for a warm, clean home I can return to.

I am also thankful for 10 days of vacation from work.

Yesterday morning I read an article that was reminiscent of something that occurred back in 2009 for me which I talked about.  I read about train lines catching fire.  I thought on the article but knew I didn’t pray for something along those lines this week and later didn’t think it was significant.  I wondered what the day might bring.  I scheduled a Pepboys appointment to get my oil change.  I knew many things were broken on my car but I don’t have the means of fixing anything right now. I called on Wednesday and spoke with the guy who helped me out before.  He made me feel like he threw in a lot and cut the cost so much I felt like a charity case, but I still paid big bucks and further drug myself into my debt hole where there is no light in sight. I had avoided going to that location last time because I was ashamed of how poor I was. This time, I decided to brave it and go to the same location.

I went to my 11a Pepboys appointment for an oil change and a different guy serviced my vehicle.  He pointed out that my tires were going to fall off.  I was told this before but I refused the work.  This guy had speech much like the first guy who helped me out and he talked about Christian radio and a church he goes to.  I agreed to apply for a Pepboys credit card and I was approved.  He did fix the major issues but I saw the suggestion he made for cleaning up he headlight was totally unnecessary and an extra 50 buck charge I surely didn’t need. I racked up close to 800 dollars in work today on this card. I did see discounts applied but I still feel took and it hurts. 

I left Pepboys deciding to get my son Mcdonalds and head home before prayer meeting tonight. 

I took my son to prayer meeting and things were going well to start.  My son was only 30% disobedient downstairs but things changed when all the children moved to a different room for their own prayer service.  My son was supposed to read a story to the children but he lost it. He lost his mind and started screaming and raging despite adult attempts to reset him.  I eventually dragged him down a narrow/steep set of stairs, out to the car and the parent of on boy who tries my son came out to try to help.  He kept coming up to the front and trying to turn the steering wheel.  I had already told him if he were to do this one more time I would take him to the hospital. I kept trying to get out the parking lot but he kept opening the door.  I finally was able to leave the parking lot but was stuck in the middle of the street at an intersection close to the church.  He had the door open and was screaming bloody murder and I kept trying to hold on to him so he would not run out of the car into the darkness of night.  I decided to call 911 and as I was on the line with 911, a man approached the passenger side and asked what was happening.  Turns out, the man was an emt and his vehicle happened to be right behind my car after one vehicle drove around me.  My son immediately quieted himself when the EMT guy was talking to me. No more screaming, thrashing. Nada. 911 dispatched police who arrived 2 minutes afterward and instead of my son getting into an ambulance and me having to deal with a 600 buck ambulance ride fee, the emt hopped into the back of my car and sat with my son while I drove to the closest hospital which I THOUGHT was going to offer help. 

We get there after 8pm and while we waited, the parent of the child who sometimes picks on him came with him and her other children to the er to offer moral support.  I read a text but didn't read it from my mother.  I called to let her know we were at the hospital and then I realize that they drove over 10 hours back home and they got home like 15 minutes before I called. We get checked in and go sit for over 6 hours.  We sat for 6 hours for them to tell me there was nothing they could do.  I was not able to speak to a psychiatrist.  After hours, a counselor referred me to the same lame services that did nothing for my son before and the same call line that did not respond when I needed them.  That’s a whole other story.  If I didn’t ask to leave when I did, we would still be there until sunrise.  I saw several people come in throughout the night. Some in handcuffs.  One tween was brought in because she was throwing lotion all around a room at home and was uncooperative at the hospital. One wanted to harm herself and a mother sat with her teen son who was calm and was there since around 3pm yesterday.  They refused to discharge him for what ever reason but also refused to move forward with admitting him.  It made no sense. 

We left and got home before 3am.  Needless to say, I am not going to church today.  I cannot bring my son until this is resolved.  I was hoping we could finish out this vacation week with a zoo and theme park trip but those hopes are dashed to itty bitty pieces  burned to oblivion. At the end of all this, I am numb.  I was angry slightly that we were forced to wait for nothing.  I am numb and am just waiting to see what is next. 

God gives us what we can handle.  I don’t know what this is.  I don’t know what it is and I don’t want it.  I feel like an outsider looking on the problems.  I can’t do anything about it.  I can’t change my son. I can’t pay cash and fix my car. I can’t do a lot of things, but I know there is one thing I can do.

I’m giving it to God.

November

Happy Sabbath

I am thankful to be home. I am thankful it is Sabbath. I am thankful that it is November, a month long awaited for.

I am on vacation until the 11th and look forward to spending time at home, healing from the wounds of October, pampering myself, and taking care of other much needed business. My son will be starting his new school after the fall break. If this fails then I will have him home schooled. My mother and I have already looked into what is needed and curriculum options. My family and I have a lot we can offer him and I am certain we would be ok if we had to go that route.

I had a birthday start of this week...Sunday. With all that happened last week, my mind was taken with that gloom so I really didn't get with it on my birthday. My sister came over so allowed her and my son to carve pumpkins which are sitting in my backyard on a platform. I enjoyed her company and spent the rest of the afternoon I guess on YouTube and doing laundry.

Today was youth Sabbath at church and I didn't know. I was asked to do children's story and play a special selection during divine hour and I chose My Tribute from this red hymnal I got from my mother. It sure is different when people don't join you in song. I get nervous and made two minor mistakes but got through. My son even had a part earlier at the end of Sabbath school. The day was going well until it was time to leave the sanctuary. I told my son we were going home and he ran off. I played piano for a little bit before setting off to find him and then soon several church members came with me in search for him. He was eventually found hiding underneath stairwell in an area of the church he had no business in. I dragged him out and left furious.

Every week it's always something. I didn't beat him or shout at him. I took him home and sent him to his room.

I wish I could say some other great thing happened this week. I wish I could say I have the part time job of my dreams or an amazing raise at work that will get me out of debt. It hasn't happened yet. I am thankful for what I do have though and I don't want to complain. I'm in November. Its going to be a great month!