Waiting

Happy Sabbath

Nothing dramatic this week.  Nothing completely fell apart or is left in tatters.  God is good and always is. 

Earlier this week I was anxious for a hearing that had been postponed at the last minute.  The new meeting came and the judge dismissed it because the required parties didn’t show up as outline in the appeal request. The individuals wanted me to represent them and although I spent time reviewing their case over the past week, I still felt unprepared and was going to be exposed for the fraud that I feel I am.  Of course I would feel unprepared because I never had to represent anyone in this way before.  When another person came  late (after the hearing was cancelled) she talked about the case and then I believe enemy was using her to play into my fears and anxiety about my self and my ability to do my job competently.  She broke off in this spheel that the people of my organization and others would eventually be out of work and if I my self was not looking to be a supervisor and work my way up, there would be nothing available for me in the years to come in this field.  “The writings on the wall” she put it.  I interpreted what she said to mean, “you don’t know what you are doing so you need to find another line of work because you don’t have the skills to keep up”.

I know this field is becoming more competitive and I agree that they are pushing for more social workers to have a medical background, nursing even.  Hospitals are hiring nurses for roles that people with bachelors of social work hold.  I don’t have a medical background but I don’t tell people I have a masters in social work.  When you tell someone you have a degree or some talent, they treat you differently.  They judge you.  They compete against you and really try to test how strong you really are. That’s why I stay to myself and don’t tell people what I am able to do in my every day life. The Lord helping me to get my masters and my previous job experience as short as it may have been really the reason I got into the job I have right now.  Despite having these extra letters after my last name, I feel that I am a fraud and don’t belong here.  Imposter syndrome some call it. I am encouraged slightly because I know God is on my side and can help me when I don’t have the answers and often I am looking for them. 

I went to a place on Friday to speak to a program director who out of the blue said that I should be looking to become a supervisor.  She thanked me for not leaving  and thought about other professionals who have quit for what ever reason and she made it seem that it would be foolish to not move to step up to supervisor.

I have no intention on becoming a supervisor.

I’m sure I talked about this before but I like my case load. I like how often I can get in my car and just leave. I am an introvert by the way so I need to make sure I have the ability to exit when I need to, not be someone on call on the daily or a floater without rights.  I like the freedom to make a schedule of my own and change things at the absolute last minute and not being responsible for coworkers caseloads and all the chaos that supervisors have to deal with on their own.  Sure, they may make more money, the kind of money I really do need to make right now, but I don’t want to be tied to an office.  I don’t want to be forced to see faces of people I may not like whenever they feel like stomping in my office.  My current position allows me to deal with people face to face, from a distance, or not at all if they are absolute hell raisers on my own terms.  I also get to really see the growth and impact that my contribution is making in the lives of the clients I help.  Being a supervisor means having any where from 2-4 times as many people as I currently have and I don’t see how I could be as useful, helpful for my clients after spreading myself so thin.  Supervisor equals burnout and although I want the money but I’m not going to get it that way.  The money will come and God has me here for a reason so I will wait here. 

So I guess I can say the indirect ways of one person telling me that I should quit my job and the other telling me to move up or stay broke and look silly kinda got me down this week but I was able to break out of it and encouraged myself.  No fire fell from heaven this week for me. No million dollars appeared under dazzling lights on my kitchen table.  God didn’t do those things but He held me together this week.  He helped me to get to work safely and on time. He helped me to bring my son to an appointment, providing heat for us in my home, and food for us to eat.  I thank and praise God for those things. 

I watched a program about the children of Israel leaving out of Egypt and heading to the promised land.  I rejoiced in the way that God provided for them and how He lead them out on eagles wings, protecting them, providing for them, and being merciful and forgiving when they had such hardened hearts and dulled understanding.  How can you see all that God has done and still not believe that He is there for you?  How?!!! 

God didn’t divide the Jordan river or drop manna from the sky this week, but He still provided everything I needed.  I thank the Lord that He extends that invitation to us many generations beyond the original peoples and the gentiles that heard the good news in Jesus’ days.  He loves us.  He wants us to trust Him.  Why don’t we?  God may have you in a place that doesn’t make too much sense to you but it is all for a good reason.  Stick with Him and wait upon Him, even when you don’t see where your life is going and you doubt yourself.  Don’t doubt God.  He has never and will never lie.  God really is good and I pray that you will have a blessed new week in the Lord.