Happy Memorial Day Weekend

Happy Sabbath,

I am happy to be home this weekend and able to enjoy this time. My office is closed Monday so I look forward to having a small private cookout tomorrow with my son. My parents are having a cookout at their home and I will be going over there in the early afternoon but will not be staying long because I have to work that evening.  I wish I could do the type of cookout I did a few years ago but I didn't talk about it early enough and so it won't happen. I just let some people know within the hour that I would be having vegetarian fare and will start later in the day. I would love to spend more of my afternoon out in the backyard into the night. I took an old table and chairs from my parents house, gave them a fresh coat of outdoor paint (Behr) and they look good as new. My son and I sat outside yesterday afternoon for a bit before a hornet thing came and chased us off. My yard looks beautiful and I really love looking out the windows to see it. I picked strawberries Thursday and more asparagus is coming up. The birds continue coming and being so beautiful.  Memorial day weekend is just the best weekend.

I could head to the beach, into the city, or just relax at home and watch a good movie. We could do the movie theatre too. It's just a great day. 

This week went well and my son did go out to recess with the children by the end of it. He still needs to get help and I'm trying to see how that can be done.  

Work went well. I have no complaints. God is good. It's been a great week. 

Mental Health

Happy Sabbath,

Today was Mental Health day at my church and we had a great speaker, in fact the director of the mental health division volunteer himself to come. Great message he shared.

I decided not to bring my son to church today.  He missed last week because I was concerned he would be violent.  He had a great week this week with the exception of Friday where he punched another child who used to be his friend and was harassing him.

He told me last night he didn't believe in spiritual things and felt it was all folklore. I decided to go to bed but he came in my room and started sneezing snot everywhere and disturbing my sleep so I ended up going to the den to sleep.

I don't remember what I dreamt about but I woke up in tears. I know it had to do with him.

There is alot going on that I don't want to get into. My Verse for today was:

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Revelation 21:4 KJV


The speaker for today chose to talk about my favorite passage, about Elijah and him under what I now know was the juniper tree. He was depressed but the Lord had compassion on him. He was encouraged to eat and drink because he needed it for the journey. I don't know why I like the story of Elijah so much. God's compassion shows through so many other experiences shared throughout the word of God, but Elijah's experience speaks to me the most.

David was no stranger to depression, heartache and rejection. He too fled for his life and lived through difficult situations. There was also Jeremiah, Moses, Peter, of course our Lord Jesus. But I keep going back to 1 Kings.

These days I try not to feel anything at all. Things have not been going my way and I have been making dumb decisions. My family is out here doing their own thing. My son is out there with them. I can't tell my family, my child how I feel. I have to go to God with these things. It is depression inducing.

I'm going to sign off of here on a positive note though.

I was able to find a hibiscus to start growing again and look forward to going out in my back yard to do more work. I lost 2 rose bushes but several others are thriving and beautiful.  I received a table and chairs for my patio. The table can hold my umbrella and I look forward to going out tomorrow morning and painting them and further beautifying my property. I am thankful I can be home right now and not be in fear.  I am thankful for the two tiny peaches growing on my tree at the bottom of the hill. The strawberries, asparagus harvest and tree/bush full of blackberry blossoms that will produce yummy fruit this summer. I love being home. I thank God that I have a home that I can enjoy.

Ride the Morning Winds

 Good afternoon and Happy Sabbath

This week had its share of ups and downs but God is still good.  I went to church today without my son.  I dropped him off at my parent's home because I was not able to get the mental health care I had hoped for this week and didn't want to take the risk of him losing control and attacking someone else.  I had to leave at least 3 services in a little over one month and I was told when I came in this morning that they had no music last week.  It was so sad and noticed.  I was glad to come back today to support the service.  

This week I found an old cassette tape I thought I was a rapper.  I recorded the embarassing noise I made on the tape and put it on a youtube channel for me to cringe over for years to come.  During my search for other cords and things for my free dell monitors I came across an old sandisk mp3 player that I was able to connect to my computer and play its contents.  I came across favorites I heard when I first became a Christian and was attending the Mennonite church.  I did the same re-recording process (using my phone to capture the sounds and put it on the youtube).  There were many songs that I hold near and dear to my heart. The one I heard when I was riding back home with the Mennonites and life felt like I was just pulledouto f the Matrix was Ride the Morning Winds.  Another was, What Will You Do With Jesus.  I also loved I Know Whom I Believed as that one was the song I chose to be played when I was baptized in 2007.   One more absolute favorite of mine is My Sheep Know My Voice.  I don't have a recording of that one.  I heard and sang it when I went to the Mennonite church.  I came across the old hymns I enjoyed when I went to the Mennonite church before becoming an adventist and when I went to church today, I just tried to keep my focus on using my talent for the Lord.  A brother who started visiting and joined our church, a brother I don't know too much about came up unprompted and started to sing a song.  He started singing, My Sheep Know My Voice.  I was at the piano and joined him as this is one of my favorite songs.  John 10:27 has a special significance to me. I don't know why that was chosen for the moment and my pastor after hearing brother sing asked for me to continue playing it as the church was dismissed.  I want to listen to those old songs again and get back to the place I used to be.  God was so good to me during those moments of my life.  I am going through a challenging time now with my son and life in general but God is faithful, kind, merciful, and always one step ahead.  I thank Him for who He is and what He will do.  I thank Him for putting it in the heart of that brother to sing that song.  I thank Him for this week and bringing us through.  My son was not violent much this week.  I thank Him that my son can go back to school Monday, for the National Honor society and so much more.  

Police

Good morning and Happy Sabbath

I come on here every week and try to share something positive that the Lord has done or helped me with in my life. This was mostly a good week but last night was an especially hard night.

What started the Sabbath was my child not wanting me to hang out in his room with him. I wanted to talk to him since he had been out most of the day at school and with a visiting therapist.  To try to teach him boundaries, I told him that since he did not want me to be there (and he pushed me and wanted me out), I said he could no come in my room. I had no way to know that I would be struggling to hold a door and the police would come in  to save me from serious harm he was trying inflict.

It is 10:45am..I'm at my parents house and have a door barricaded. I lived a horror movie of an experience last night that I wish on no one. The hospital would no admit him because he calmed down upon entry. Now I'm living what so many of my clients have experienced with their loved ones. There are no words.

This blog is for positivity and God's grace in my life.

I thank God I'm alive this morning.  I thank God that my son did not hurt himself or succeed with his attempts towards me. I thank God for my parents.  I thank God I had a safe place to sleep in my parent's home. I thank God for my son's insurance. I thank God I was able to open those front doors before things got severely out of hand. I would have had either a busted front door or window from police having to enter the house. I thank God for the outpatient services that are available right now for him. I hope to make it to Friday for him to get his psych evaluation.  With everything that happened I am almost certain he is bi-polar, I have to get him help and I cannot live in fear in my own home.

I will get myself together and eventually leave this room. He started pushing paper under this door I'm behind now. I'll take a look and see how we can go forward.  My famous phrase, "It is what it is", I have to just keep going.  No matter how difficult life becomes. I'm numb right now. I have to be.  I'll work with God to handle this mess and numb myself to worry because only God can really fix this.