House

Happy Sabbath

The night before I expected to go into work, I told myself that I would not carry any bags.  I have never gone to work without carrying some form of bag in all my memory and Friday morning, I decided I would leave my bag in the trunk.  I prepared the paperwork at home because of the binder I keep stocked and with me most of the time.  I didn’t even want to carry that as I parked my car and walked my usual 25 minutes to work all to avoid parking fees and get some exercise.  I also am usually the first person to open the office and I beat the security guards so I have that peace in the morning to focus on my work. 

I made it to work and a few people came in to their desks to work on their computers about 45 minutes later.  Then the office manager came in and brought me a messenger bag with the company logo on it, because I’ve been there for six months now. 

I had to laugh.  And so I decided against saving all other details on my phone and printed out the information I needed, put it in a file folder and put it into my new bag that I didn’t expect to be carrying at all. 

I like that Herschel bag, but it just got so heavy and cumbersome this week. 

I think that’s also because I had a challenging week; I don’t want to say bad, but that’s how I feel. 

I was verbally and emotionally attacked by family and I am in an uncomfortable place right now.  I have people dictating how I should parent my child,  attacking my character, and all sorts of other mess.  I have grown up with emotional/mental abuse and I am in a place where I am currently dependent upon them for housing. 

The argument happened Sunday.  My family member broke the new watch that was on my wrist after grabbing my wrist and then both of them said I broke it.  Then one turned on the other and accused the other of bullying me.  I left the house with my son and took him over 25 miles away to a park and then we went to a museum which tricked me with the parking because it did not list anything about parking costs on their website.  We stopped at Burger King and ate in the car.  He took a nap and I pondered what I would do. 

This week, I registered to become an Uber driver.  I asked others what they were doing for extra income.  I stopped by a housing authority office and picked up an application.  I sent a request to check out a house by a regular realtor in the area, a house that probably has a lot of hidden problems with it.  I thought about picking up another rental application.  And finally, I spoke on the phone to my life insurance agent who suggested I do the work he was doing.  He claimed he was making six figures each year and has been doing this for seven years.

This morning, I looked at my verse for the day.  I was 95% going to move forward with putting myself at greater financial risk and taking on a house payment.  The only debt I have is student loan debt and I have a 750 credit score even after all the mess that happened three years ago.  I was a solid 800 when I bought my first car then, and these loans are keeping me stuck at 750 right now.  I can only afford to put down $14,500 cash for a down payment and that is not nearly what I need to start.  I don’t want to rent again and I don’t want to continue living in this house now.  I want my son to have more than I ever had and I know I’m extremely limited.  I cannot give him the world.  Only God can do that. 

My verse this morning said: “I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His word do I hope.”  Psalm 130:5

I drove by that house.  I saw it on the Trulia website and looked at with google maps  and satellite view.  On google maps, there were high bushes grown up around the front and the yard was a mess. There is a small creek in the back and an expanse of wood that gives you some privacy.  Neighbors are on both sides.  When I drove by, I realized there was a metal fence around it and a shed in the back yard.  The other home had a wooden fence, one I prefer.  If I am able to keep my job, I could afford that house, but then there is the issue of health insurance as well as child care for my son.  He might be without insurance come April 1^st and I’ve already started looking at prices of his medication without the coverage.  I am putting money away until the decision comes through the mail.

If I am going to move, God is going to make it right.  He is going to tell me when I should move, if I should stay, and how I should live.  He’s done it before and never steered me wrong.  I want to know where to go.