Most Difficult

 Happy Sabbath

I am thankful that I can rest on the Sabbath.  Because this week really was a doozy.  

I have a client that will push and has pushed everyone to their limit.  I can't say this at work but I got to a point one day when I felt absolutely useless and unable to do anything for her. I cried.  That girl made me cry.  My coworker (supervisor's supervisor) who also is a friend of families who go to my church and is adventist herself called me and somehow knew from the sound of my voice that I was getting overwhelmed. I didn't confirm it with her but I was.  The fact that she was off work and still called, I have to give that point to God because I really could reach no one else. She took time away from her private life and her family to get on calls I had with my client, the family, and the hospital. 

Despite what people might say or know about me, despite her connections with who ever she spoke with from my old church, I was thankful that she called to offer help, when no one else would and when I could reach no one else.  My client is in the hospital now and there is much work for me to do to scrape together any services I can find that can help her and that she will be willing to accept.  If she refuses, there is nothing I can do and it would break my heart to see her out here suffering needlessly. 

Someone asked a question during Sabbath school today to the youth on our zoom line like so many zoom lines we have out here to support with church services during this pandemic and the youth spoke up about what they were inspired to become. Almost all of them said they wanted to go into the medical field and become doctors or nurses. One was caught off guard and simply said she didn't know but wanted to be successful.  They didn't ask any adults what they were inspired to do and how they could use their talents for God and to help others.  I had in my heart back in highschool that I wanted to be a social worker but didn't even know where to begin.  I penned an essay about the type of work I wanted to do and the population I wanted to help, but then I went to college and pursued music education and other random subjects in the arts and literature which I was able to group and salvage as a general humanities BA degree.  I didn't get the music education degree and stopped with a minor.  

I want to help people live the great lives, have their choices respected, and to share the experiences that some people say they shouldn't have because of their disability.  I was treated terribly in highschool due to a poor decision I made and as a result, people assumed I was intellectually disabled and felt it was their duty to put me in "my place".  Everything I did that was of value, every skill, every kind word, even my excellent grades and hard work was dismissed by those who were told of that sin I committed.  I began to see also others who had true intellectual disabilities treated poorly and I was embarassed for them and sad that they were being treated unfairly and cruel. We are all different and no one deserves to be treated like a dog because they may talk or look differently.  Prior to that poor decision I made, no one ever approached me to say I was less than them except my dad and many years prior a young cousin of mine and both the cousin's one comment and my dad's continuous comments cut deep wounds within my heart.  

The people I support now have similar wounds.  They don't believe they can be successful and that they shouldn't even try.  They had so much negativity around them growing up and it's ashame that even the social workers who are in contact with them, and have been on their teams have not encouraged them or given them hope.  This young lady has some serious mental health issues going on with her, but if she can get stable on the right medications, if she has positive people in her corner who will speak life into her and help her to see the truth in her abilities, she could really be something.  She drives me bonkers but I don't want to give up on her as long as she is assigned to my caseload, as long as my agency is still able to support her.  Everyone else has shut the door in her face and could care less if she ends up homeless, hungry and on the street. If you are at that point, you don't need to be doing this type of work any more.   

This week is the week of attack or at least last two.  I have people questioning my decisions and demanding I explain things in a different way before they agree with them.  It's been a weird up hill battle and the people who are supposed to be helping to provide support are fighting back and it's not just for this person. It's for several others with varying challenges (not as bad as ole girl) as well.  

I am thankful for the PTO days I can take whenever I need them, even within the hour, they are automatically approved. I had to take some time on Friday but it was hard to even do that since I had to finish up so many other loose ends.  I am taking time off next week into the following.  My son is going on a trip with the grandparents when he is off from school so I am thinking of taking a trip to NY or somewhere else, or just staying home and getting some major home projects completed.

This week has been a most difficult one, but it is rewarding.  I am thankful I was able to help her get into the hospital, even if the 302 order is not approved fully, I am happy she is there and is not only getting help but giving her family a break.  And me a break since I'm not receiving calls all around the clock. 

I am still inspired to be a better social worker and I want to be used by the Lord to help people live the lives they want, for them to be respected by their community, for them to develop their own dreams and tell me all about how they were able to achieve them, when so many people said they couldn't.  It is difficult but it is possible. With God, nothing is impossible.

Happy Sabbath :)

Spring

Happy Sabbath

It's such a lovely sunny day today. I am about to take my afternoon nap to prepare for work tonight and am thankful for the amount of quality rest I have been able to get this week. I am excited about this weekend and look forward to doing more around my property. I was able to put up the new gazebo cover on Sunday and clean up more areas indoors. March 20th is the anniversary of me putting down a deposit on my house and officially making a serious move to buy it. It was the first day of Spring back in 2018. Now, the first day of spring is March 31st.  I closed on June 21st, the first day of summer.

I am not going to complain. God is good. I love being home and would like to do some fun things with my son this summer or late spring. Get an air bnb or something by the ocean or lake. I'm looking forward to great things to come.

God is good. 

A Moment Alone Please

 Happy Sabbath

I am in a weird place right now but I know I am not alone and God is here to help me.  I am setting up boundaries and doing what I can to follow rules that will keep me safe. People have been trying to insert themselves into my life and I have not authorized any of it and in the past, I would just accept and go with what was being recommended by people I felt I knew to people who I've been around for such a short time.  

 

These people are in church, at work, and even in my family. These people are neighbors.  I took a test to see if anything else has changed about me.  That Myers briggs, I took it again and came out to be an INFJ-T.  When I first took the test years ago, I was ENF...not sure if the last one still Judging but if my memory serves me correctly, I have been INFJ these last two times I took the test during a several year gap.  

The pandemic has given me even more of an excuse to bury myself in my cave and not want to come out.  I love being home and I am pulling further and further away from social events at church and definitely avoid anything like that outside.  Church was the exception.  I preferred to go home and study my Bible, and spend time in prayer and worship but people around me kept calling and begging me to stay with the group.  I got in the habit of joining events and coming to potlucks but even though I would go, I was still uncomfortable and wanted to leave early.  People are trying to change me. I don't want to be changed.  People want to understand why I am content being single and doing my own thing and then they don't want to accept that I want to be single and stress I need to give this or that another try.  

All those little girls who fantasize about their weddings and have down to the tiniest detail how many sequins are on that dress, who will sit in that chair, and all that jazz, I never had that deep imagination about it and I am a very creative and imaginative person.  When I felt that I too as a little girl should think about a wedding, the only idea I had was the color scheme would have a lot of yellow in it. Nothing beyond this. 

I have no interest in dating. I have no interest in hanging out with a bunch of ladies from church for breakfast on zoom. I have no interest in joining calls every single night, and morning, and disrupting plans that were well thought out for some random last minute announced plan of someone else's that has no outline, no definite time frame, and I am supposed to be there because someone just thinks I should be?  People announce my name as leading out this or that and have not even asked me if I am available or willing or most importantly, CAPABLE of doing so.  I am not falling in line and people don't like that and I am seeing a difference in how people respond and interact with me. Some of that response can get you down.

 

No one understands me or how I feel and its okay.  I know God understands.  I know He can and will give me the right direction.  

 

I had to get that out.  Now for what I am thankful for.  I am thankful that I could strengthen my raised garden beds.  Sunday, I built two garden beds to flank/extend the one I built 2 years ago.  I went out on Friday and was able to add more braces and mending plates to prevent bowing and make them more secure.  I might get some hinges and make green house covers for them, haven't decided yet but they are ready to be filled with soil and seeded and I have made great progress with acquiring shrubs and other plants I need to get into this landscaping project.  I bought 8 bags of soil yesterday and plan to get 8 more tomorrow from a different store.  I have 5 boxwoods, some heathers, grapevines, kiwi vine, and picked up some other beauties for my indoor jungle.  I had to take the plants in yesterday because the temps are too low but I can go out tomorrow, replace the gazebo cover and prep some holes for all of these new plants (that's going to take me quite some time and effort).  I had hoped to get some thujas for 10 bucks each but the store I visited yesterday didn't have any left.  They would make a fantastic natural privacy hedge in a few years and save me from having to drop $4-5k for a new fence.

 

I am thankful for the stimulus that is soon to come and child tax credit.  I am thankful for the increases that are coming to my job.  When I was taking off that time due to the covid scares, I didn't think about my annual pay increase with my part time.  I happened to check this week and was happy to see they increased my pay and I have some time off accrued that I thought was taken away.  I am getting another increase starting tomorrow so that is always great.  When my mother heard the news about the stimulus and child tax credit, she got excited and said I could quit my part time. 

 

I have no intention of doing so, it's good money to be had and besides, I may be getting $3000 or $250 monthly but no one knows who will challenge this and when it will be taken away.  It will not last for ever and I'd rather earn over a thousand extra every month and $3000 just for the year; quitting makes no sense.   I want to pay my credit debt off and have been making great progress.  

 

I am thankful for my jobs. I am thankful for the stimulus and tax credit. I am thankful for my home and my son. My plants, the internet, my bed, food on my table and being able to step away and have peaceful restful moments to myself. Moments to replenish and heal.  

 

God does not want us to be in poor health, run down, and burnt out.  I am taking time to enjoy the beauty He has put on this earth for us to see.  Walking through parks. Listening to the birds.  Resting in a comfortable bed that He blessed me to have in a comfortable beautiful house.  I am taking time for myself and am thankful for the moments I can do so. 

Work to Do

 Happy Sabbath

It's been a tough week but I am thankful that I was able to get through it.  It was a busy week filled with different emergencies and people up in arms with all sorts of things.  Lots to pray about.  At least one will likely become a court case soon for my client who had gone against the advice of her team and put herself in a position I told her not to do.  I am thankful that she is in a safe but she and the person helping her need to make sure the police are fully aware of all that has happened.  My supervisor has lost compassion for her and wants our agency to wipe our hands clean of her but she really needs help.  I pray that I am useful and doing what the Lord wants me to do for her and others who are on my caseload.  

I am planning to do some work around my yard tomorrow and am happy that we are in March because it is warming up outside.  I want to get some lumber and extend my garden bed so I can grow more food.  I purchased two more grape vines and a kiwi plant earlier this week and although I looked at these beautiful heather plants and turned them down during that shopping trip, my mother was thinking of me and picked up three of them from a different store along with some boxwoods.  I was able to get two arborvitaes to replace the thujas that were "giving up" in the pots on my front porch.  I put the thujas in pots on my back patio and am trying to revive them and if I can, I will plant them along the perimeter of my property.  I saw a home that had about 5 thujas grown tall and thick as a privacy screen and I might go and do something like that since there are limits with fencing height in my town and I have not purchased a new fence as I purposed in 2020.  There is a lot of work I want to do around my house and I am thankful for the time and means to do so.  

Lots of stuff to do and pray about.  Please keep me prayer that I stay committed to the Lord, for my clients, my supervisor who has given up on my girl, and for the projects that I have coming up.