Stable and Strong

Happy last Sabbath of 2016!

I had a great week this week, short week, and I just want to say that God is amazing and continues to do amazing things in my life and in the world.  I had a good work week and was able to get everything done in time for another 4 day vacation (2 of 3).  I spent time with my son playing with Christmas gifts (a robot and one of many trucks) and am thankful for being able to spend quality time with him.  At this moment I’m not happy with the little boy but, I am still thankful for him.   

We went to church today despite knowing that the children’s Sabbath school teacher would not be there.  After arriving, I realized that the junior Sabbath’s school teacher wasn’t there either and during the first part of the service, only one other child was present. He misbehaved at church and even more so at the house of an elder who gave the sermon today.  The potluck at this person’s house was the first time in “years” that I ventured out to get to know other church members.  I listened to the testimony of one woman who told me she went from church to church in search for the truth and finally came to the Adventist church.  I even talked to a young girl about experiences with God.  It was great to see that even a young girl had something she could testify about and hold on to that no one could take away from her.  It’s too often that people go because other family members go, tradition.  She prayed for a change with her parents and after she did, her mother was blessed tremendously and the blessings have continued.  The woman at the potluck was a pleasure to talk to and I appreciate the other people who stepped in to try to prevent my son from running all over the elder couple’s house. 

As a result of going today, I was invited to a Friday night Bible study and I think I might try, if I can find something to keep my son occupied.  And here’s another thing, when we got to the house, the house number was the same number as my parent’s house number and my apartment number is about the same too. There is no way to forget which house it is.   The lunch was great.  We had rice, something red, something delicious and green, something brown, I mean they were vegan creations, so I can’t just say what they were.  I really enjoyed the cucumber broccoli spread on the bread and I’m not a bread person.  I think I will make that with avocado and lots of garlic.  It’s wonderful to go to a house and not be worried about what you are eating. I am still strict vegetarian and going strong since September 27^th. 

2017 is approaching and I thought I would do a 52 week challenge of some sort.  52 weeks of adding new things to work on.  Problem is, I could only get up to 24-25 and that’s stretching my will power thin.  I will think on the resolution piece a little more but I want to see these changes definitely in my life: a stronger relationship with God, better parenting skills, more focus and integrity on my job, more confidence overall, better health (fit back into the clothing I refuse to hand over).  Yesterday, I went on a girls day with my mom to a wealthy neighborhood and we stopped at a thrift store she discovered the other week.  I found so many quality high end sweaters, bought three leather bags (a black Groom Paris, Lord and Taylor, and Cristian), an adorable picnic basket that I didn’t realize had the ceramic plates, silverware and other fixings ($9), silk J-Crew blouse, and other items in amazing condition or still with the tags on them.  It’s been a while since I thrifted and I made out really good and even had money to spare to help my mom get those ridiculous garden frogs she wanted.  If I go again, I will do a more diligent search in the leather goods section and might get a leather jacket.

I thank the Lord for that time with my mom.  I thank Him for my family.  I don’t know how much longer I have with them.  So I go into this new year to be a better daughter of God, sister, mother, coordinator, and to allow Jesus to create a better me.  A person who does not make compromises. 2016 was a time to get back on my feet, set up healthy boundaries, and get geared up for the next level.  Stable and Strong 2016, I guess that's what I can call it. Some changes happen the next second, but some are best when they are years in the making.  God knows what He's doing and I thank Him for taking His time with me. I will make my resolutions list and I will make progress in 2017 and let the Lord’s will be done.

Happy Sabbath 👼

Time to Get Ready

Happy Sabbath,

I had a wonderful day today at church and although my son made it a little difficult for me to hear the sermon, I am glad to have come to be able to worship with God’s people. 

There was conversation around what is appropriate during this holiday season and what Christians should be doing in their own homes.  One person said that they keep a nativity scene in their home every Christmas while another took a moment to talk about the evil and paganism that is associated with this time.  I wondered what others who had children did for the season, what they did in their homes, and how they kept their children and themselves focused on what really matters.  One woman said that she used to spend hundreds of dollars on decorations around her home every year until she learned differently.

I also think of people I know that are not Christians.  They refuse the idea of a God who became flesh, to die for our sins.  They don’t believe there is a God in Heaven and some have this warped idea of what death will be like, how God really looks and thinks about us.  Yet in all this doubt and even with proof of God’s existence, there is resistance to follow Jesus and to listen to the Holy Spirit; these people are all about decorating for Christmas.  They have their trees on sale from Walmart, decorations, and stress over gifts to buy for people who also have this lack of faith in Jesus and lack of love for others.  It’s a production for many and those who put on the best show and hope to get the most honor and best gifts given to them even when they don’t deserve them.  

My family does the production every year.  My mother decks the entire inside and outside of the home with glinty shiny babbles, has a tree fit for one of the rooms in the White House, and cooks food likes she is catering for a wedding.  Few people eat the food no matter how tasty it is and usually during the middle of the day, bickering starts between my parents about either someone’s inattention or someone coming with “extra-ness” and who ever is living in the home at the time will sulk in their room, avoiding the other person for a few hours.  I no longer live there so I can go to my car and retreat.   

We do not know the day or hour Jesus was born.  We do not know the exact design of that  stable and manger (one person today said Jesus probably was not born in a western style stable and he’s probably right).  Conditions in that stable and manger are challenging at best.  All we know is that He was born, and with that birth is the hope of eternity for us, a future for us who are willing to listen and follow Him with all our hearts.  This is what we should be thankful for, where our attention should be. 

In my home I wondered what I would do for my son who is at an age where he can understand more of what is going on around him.  He is learning about this time and I want him to learn what is right.  I don’t have a tree in my home.  I bought a nativity scene but after wondering what I would do to remove the figure of the baby Jesus in the scene, I decided not to mess it up and return it for a refund.  I even bought fake snow thinking I would have a set up in the corner of the living room where the piano is, but everytime I imagined a set up, a triangular shape kept coming into my mind, the shape of a tree.  The Lord God said not to make an image of Him and bow down and worship it.  I remember early on in my Christian journey when I was with the Mennonites, we had stopped at a Catholic school that closed down.  We were permitted to go in and get items for our church and as I went in I was encouraged to pick up items for myself since they were going to be thrown away.

I walked into a library and saw a sea of books spilled all over the floor.  Books that would be thrown away.  I ended up leaving with at least 2 crates of dishware, a folding wooden chair, a crucifix with an image of Jesus in bronze attached to it, and fabric I intended to use for sewing projects (previously used for Christmas celebrations, dolls and such).  I hung that crucifix up in my living room and when I prayed every day, I found myself turning to the crucifix and the piercing eyes of this fake Jesus image each time.  As I read the Bible and learned more about what God expected of His people, I realized it probably was not a good idea to have an idol up on my wall.  It felt so wrong to have it and I either trashed it or gave it to my dad telling him I was going to throw it away.  I don’t recall, but I know I don’t have it in my possession today. 

I give gifts to people for Christmas.  I give them because it’s an opportunity to draw their attention to God and allow Him to use me to show His love.  I have a sister who I don’t like, but I am giving her the best of what I can because I am not deserving of God’s love, but He gives me His best.  I don’t know if we will ever have a healthy relationship again but with the Lord, there is always hope and healing.  My son asked for a robot so I bought him a robot.  I dropped everything off at my parents house wrapped and in bags yesterday so as not to have to deal with it in my home. 

I don’t know how future Christmases will be like.  I hope that I am doing the right thing each year and doing what the Lord wants me to do.  I had a good week this week.  I have enough money to take care of my bills.  My son is feeling better and I am in a warm home.  My son enjoys going to church and I enjoy it too.  He received a cd gift from Sabbath school and I plan on copying the songs onto my computer, his tablet, and storing the cd in the car for future sing-a-longs whenever I have to drive him somewhere. It’s really a great gift.  We both are growing and learning and having a great experience.  I have yet to set my resolutions for 2017.  One of which is to start studying to take the LSW test.  My parents came at me about this and of course I forgot about it.  2017 is the time to do this.  Last night I was watching 3abn and the stream was stalling out on me.  I decided to jump over to You tube and see if 3abn had any programming that would be appropriate for the Sabbath and came across something that talked about mental health and had therapists and other professionals on the panel.  I was surprised to see this because when I hear about the health message, I usually hear about the food aspect, not psychotherapy.  I listened to the entire program and was also surprised that one of the panelists was the director of an agency that I have had exposure to dealing with some of my clients.  There is even opportunity for me to meet this guy because he works in my city, and a few blocks away.  I am even more encouraged to go take this test because of how many Adventists are licensed professionals in this field and there is a place for us.   I’ll talk more about what I hope to do next week.  For this week, God has been awesome. 

As we are in the Christmas season and in all seasons, let us get and stay ready because Jesus is coming again.  I was reading Project Sunlight, a book I snagged from the dusty shelves of my first Adventist church of which was going to be trashed along with others so space could be used for something else.  I turned at what was random to me to a certain page and saw a characters name that matched mine.  The number of the page was also something that caught my attention.  I checked for the name of that character through every page and that character which had my first name was only mentioned on that one page.  Was it random? I read from that point, that page to the end of the book and it included texts about Revelation and what we could expect in Jesus’ coming.  It will be a terrible day for the wicked  (similar to Sodom and the flood), but a beautiful and amazing day for those who are ready for Him.  From the redeemed standing on the sea of glass mingled with fire and the rainbow, to the brilliant light of Jesus’ presence, the heavenly host thousands of thousands all praising God in the most beautiful voices in unison.  And so much more to see and hear, I hope to be ready in that day.  I hope my son and family are ready.  Let’s take this time to think about that.  Be ready because He is coming soon.  The craziness and mess that’s going on in the world are true signs of this. 

Be ready.

Medicine and Money Matters

 

God has blessed me to have a great week this week and get through all while waiting out an illness.  I started getting really sick on Sunday and by Monday, I wanted to stay home but I decided to drive in to the office because I had an important meeting scheduled for later that afternoon.  On Tuesday, it was just as bad and I had a bag of snotty tissues gathered in my car, on my desk, and in my pocket (yuck).  Wednesday it was getting better and it pretty much cleared out by Thursday/Friday.  I was able to blow my nose on Friday.   

My dad ended up getting sick (cold/flu) Thursday and I usually don’t see him this way. I got sick because of my son and I assume this is where my dad picked it up from too.  I also heard from my mom that my great aunt was scheduled to have surgery on Monday.  She has not been doing  well at all and is on dialysis. They might give her another port because the other one she had in her arm and I guess now in her chest was clogging.  At the same time, one of my clients is in the hospital.  I knew she went to the ER on 12/08, but with so much going on and me getting sick, I didn’t go about finding out how bad off she was until Friday.  Her main provider is really on top of her health care issues so I trusted them to update me but when it came to Friday, I did not receive any updates so I decided I was going to see her at the hospital.  Her mother was there and did not feel optimistic that she was going to get out or get better.  She said her doctor told her that her condition was worsening.  My aunt too is on dialysis and they have similar complications.  My great aunt is on hemo-dialysis and my client receives peritoneal dialysis every night. My client is in her early 40’s I think, I’m not sure. 

I know that God can heal the sick in an instant but I also know that the Lord allows us to go through situations for a reason.  To wake us or others up to what we should be doing.  To open our eyes to God for the first time and see Him do miracles that no man can ever do. To increase our trust in Him and give us the strength in the future to overcome more challenges designed to make us stronger.

Every situation is an opportunity to allow Jesus to step in and show how it’s done.  Jesus is the ultimate Overcomer. God will not give us more than we can handle and when we go through trials, we think in those times that it is too much to bear, but it really is not.  I think about the cold symptoms I had and they were awful, but if you change your attitude about the situation, the situation doesn’t last as long or feel as long and it will end before you know it. You have to turn your mind to the Lord. 

Honestly, I don’t know if my great aunt or client will make it to Christmas or even 2017.  All I can pray for is the Lord’s will to be done for both of them and that they find peace in Him.  In any situation we go through, we can have peace and I have experienced that which I thought was impossible. 

I came to the hospital to see my client and the parking garage had a charge which I didn’t expect.  I parked and went inside to find that the hospital had my bank’s atm  so I wouldn’t get a surcharge, but when it came time for me to leave, there was no parking attendant so I didn’t have to pay anyway.

On Monday, I took my son to our new PCP for the first time and hoped that he would get the flu shot (he is allergic to egg but had the shot before with no issues). The PCP listened to his lungs and told me he was wheezing so she would not administer the shot that day.  I paid the co-pay with my main credit card, left to fill up my tank with gas and went home.  Tuesday, I drove in to work and walked the 30 minutes in the cold with my flu and felt as though I dropped something when I went to get my snotty tissue for my nose, but didn’t know what.  It wouldn’t be until much later in the office that I would discover my credit card was not in my pocket, but my son’s insurance card still was thankfully.  I had put both cards in my pocket on Monday night after the doctor's office and the gas station stop.  I prayed for the Lord to cover my card from thieves until I could check in my car (the last place it could be because it was not in my bag or wallet). I wiped my nose, dabbed my teary eyes and waited until I returned to my car to search for it, but when I got to my car that afternoon, it was not there.  So naturally I called Captial One and requested a new card.  The customer service representative said there were no charges put on it on Tuesday morning but everything else I paid for on Monday was processed so that was a blessing.  I should be getting a card shortly in the mail. 

I told my mom about this and she said that it was good that the card was cancelled because at this time of year, people are stealing people’s bags, wallets, and doing the most (especially in the area I walked, people get robbed over here in these streets). 

Now on Wednesday, I took the train in to work  and used my bank card to pay for my ticket. When I took the train home, I heard a lady talking loudly to another passenger and something didn’t sound quite right about her so of course my ears tuned in more to her conversation.  She sounded like a drug addict (forgive me, but I’ve heard many conversations by people who are substance abusers and this is how she sounded to me). She talked about a young child she had the privilege of knowing and then her conversation changed to credit cards.  She talked about finding a credit card  this week and calling the number on the back to try to return the card to the owner. This lady couldn’t understand why someone would want to cancel their card and want to be reissued a new one and continued to boast about the good she thought she did on the train.  When I heard her, for a second I thought perhaps she found my card, but then I realized I didn’t take the trains on Tuesday.  I drove the hour into the city and the trains that I take on Mondays and sometimes Wednesdays are by no means close to where I park my car in the city.  I park on off streets not close to the subway and I do this to get free unlimited parking where my car won’t be towed (side eye to some streets that won’t be named).

This situation reminded me of the time years ago when I signed up for a CPR training class and after I completed the course. I was so happy that I did it and felt as if this was yet another thing the Lord could use me for to help someone in need.  As soon as I left the training and got on the train to go home, a person I had never seen before and definitely not in the training class was on the train loudly talking about what a waste of time a CPR class was, how people shouldn’t bother and he joked about a man having a heart attack in his presence that he did not help.  People in ear shot looked at the guy in disgust as he laughed about the man who had the heart attack.  I don’t know if he wanted to take the training class and couldn’t and was bitter about it.  I don’t know if he had a thing against the instructor and heard that the instructor was holding the class.  I don’t know, but I do believe this was an attack by satan to make me feel that what I just learned, the training I wanted to get so that I could be even more useful for the Lord was not worth anything.    The same goes for the train passenger’s criticism of the credit card owner she didn’t know.  This world is exceedingly wicked and people are getting more and more out of control day by day. 

My testimony is that the Lord helped me get through this week while being sick, prevented someone from using my credit card for 5 hours as it lay exposed on a side walk somewhere in the hood, and that I didn’t have to pay for that parking at the hospital (which never ever happens).  I pray that my family (dad, great aunt) and client get better and that His will is done in their lives and others who are concerned for them.  God helped me through with this flu, with my anxiety, with all other situations.  I also learned that I don’t have to pay $800 each month for student loans.  Praise God that I was approved now to pay under $100/month because there was no way that I would be able to pay that much with the income I take in now. 

God is good. Enjoy the Sabbath :)

Overcoming Anxiety day by day

Happy Sabbath!

I want to thank God for helping me through this week, keeping my family and I safe, and allowing me to attend church today.  I had a challenging week but did make it through. 

Sunday my son was sick (vomiting, fever, bm accidents).  Monday I was under prepared at work and felt so low but God kept me. Tuesday I opted last minute to work from home and stressed myself out so much about preparing for a training and later realized it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I am thankful that I made that decision because it rained heavily that day and people were drive erratically out there. 

Wednesday, the school called me about my son coughing bad and didn’t have the medication I thought was sent in with him but didn’t make it in.  He was able to stay without further issue and I brought the medicine to the school the same day.  This was only possible because God had it that I made my Tuesday a longer work day and shortened my Wednesday by nearly 3 hours. 

Thursday and Friday I chose to work from home and not go to the office.  I was able to get a good amount of work done, but I will say that Friday I was so stressed out about my performance earlier in the week that I woke up around 2am and could not go back to sleep.  I decided to get on my computer and work until 8am or so before getting my son up and taking him over to my parents and continuing on to my appointments.  I watched a few Youtube videos because the link to the shows I wanted to watch on Xfinity (I’m a guest user thanks to my sister who gave me an account), refused to load what I wanted since I was not watching from a “home” location.  My sister lives two complex/courts away so I could walk or drive over there and sit in my car, but that is just too much.  Since I’m not at a “home” location, Xfinity put a block on certain episodes for 1-2 weeks and removes the blocks once a new episode comes up.  Well with Youtube, I watched one of the people I’m subscribed to and she is a very sweet person (has a natural hair and fitness/grwm channel).  She struggles with anxiety too and she talked about her challenges with school/life while putting on her make up and fixing her hair.  At one point, she played an audio clip in the background that sounded like the pastor to this Adventist university that sometimes gets airplay on 3abn, but I’m not sure but it was something I definitely did not expect.  This guy talked about anxiety, which seemed to be my theme throughout the entire week and his message was very encouraging. 

If satan knows a weakness, he will play on it as much as possible.  I have a job that has no room for anxiety, yet I have it and have been here for more than a year.  I have a form of social anxiety, a fear of being perceived as incompetent and inferior, but despite this, I know that God wants me to be here.  I know I have been able to get stuff done because women, “we get stuff done!” if you know what I’m saying.  When I met with clients at the mental health clinic I interned at last year, I saw how anxiety paralyzed them.  I know how it paralyzed me. What makes things worse is when satan pushes people to do unkind things to people who are not confident in themselves (and he will do it).  He has pushed people to say unkind words about me and others in my presence.  The Lord was taunted and abused and yet He overcame.  He gives me the power to overcome as well and so I will continue to search for that power and go out each day facing my fears.

Today I went to church and I am thankful for this because when I received the text from the children’s Sabbath school teacher that she was going to be occupied with the Pathfinders, the next thoughts in my mind were either to stay home or skip Sabbath school entirely.  I lay in my bed and looked at some YouVersion plans and although I didn’t start one, I looked at one that talked about fasting and asked what the reader would commit to the Lord.  I thought about the program I watched on 3abn last night telling viewers to turn away their feet/my feet from doing my own thing and look at the Sabbath as a delight and the more I thought about it, the more I knew that if I stayed home, my son would be glued to his tablet watching ABC videos or Bangladeshi children’s songs and I would not be giving the Lord my full focus, my time, or my best.  By going to church, at least this stage in my life, it is taking more effort, and I want to give more to God.  I also want my son to have a good routine and to surround myself with people who are going to hold me accountable, because I won’t consistently do it for myself. 

Today was an induction ceremony for Pathfinders and this is the second time I have been able to witness it at this particular church.  I saw something of this nature at the very first church I went to, the one I was baptized at and I knew many Pathfinders participants at a neighboring church in another part of the city. I want my son to be in this, I want to be a child again myself so I could be in this myself!  I can’t help but think when I started going to the first church and potlucks, how smart and wonderful the youth were.  You could ask them any question and they could answer it.  Their parents were professionals, business owners, doctors and the people my age were finishing up doctorates, owning homes, and expats of various foreign countries.  I was 23 years old at the time.  At 33, I may be a professional, but I have a long way to get to where they were in their 20’s.  I asked a member about the program and they are looking for a leader.  There are enough children to start, despite what another person told me last week. 

I was the AY leader at my previous church and my anxiety did not help much.  I was also under heavy attack by satan and ended up stepping down right after a major ceremony we had.  It was anxiety tied up with a long-term dispute I was having with a former boyfriend (board member and AY leader assistant), his ex girlfriend, and other random things satan was trying to throw at me. I also know how heavily invested I will become and might neglect my duties as a mother to my son.  It only takes a second of distraction for someone to come up and try something inappropriate with your child and I don’t care what place it is at (church, the grocery store, at a family’s house), I don’t have time for that.

I will see where the Lord leads me.  I know what I prayed for and how the Lord answered before.  Despite how I feel about walking into the unknown, I know the Lord would not steer me wrong.  God is good to me.  He has been good to my son.  My son fell on Thursday from one kitchen chair and hit his head against an adjacent kitchen chair and got a small cut on the side of his head.  It could have been worse.  I turned around just in time to witness it so it could have happened and I would not know why he was crying or how to fix it.  On Wednesday, I was on the first train out and was forced off the train with everyone else after hearing that there was an accident ahead.  I later learned on the news that the first train coming from the opposite direction hit a car that was on the tracks.  Thankfully the person was not killed at the site and transported to the hospital to recover.  If it was not for God, it could have been my train that hit that car.  There are no seat belts on the train and people would have been thrown in all directions and hurt.  I smelled something burning close by the train.  The police and fire trucks rushed into the parking lot where we were standing thinking the accident was where we were, saying this was the site.  It may very well have been and who knows, the car could have exploded and been close by.

I thank God that no one else was hurt. I thank God that I am home today with my son.  I thank God for just being who He is.  I thank Him for the music I listened to this week, the videos with unexpectedly encouraging messages because that one channel, I didn’t know she was a Christian and I didn’t know she was going to play the audio that she did.  Another person I am subscribed to also talked about her faith and I’ve been subscribed to her for a long time too and didn’t know.  I always admired her for her videos on organizing things, filofax planners and lilly Pulitzer style ideas.  It is good that people are sharing like this.  That’s why it is important to share your testimonies.  Share what the Lord has done for you and it can really make someone else’s day.

Short and Simple but Good Nonetheless

Happy Sabbath! This is a short post.

I just had a great time at church today and I have had a good week too.  As for testimonies, God has kept me safe this week and helped me to be productive.  I was able to get a lot of important work done on my job and get through almost drama free.  Even with drama, I have been able to keep my head up and been encouraged by God’s word when it mattered most. Yesterday, I was able to listen to songs I have not heard for many years now really as a result of a dream that I had earlier in the week that in many ways shook me up and started to get me walking in the right direction.  I have been walking in the right direction, stopped and turned around, did another 180 and then stood still for a year or so.  I feel like I'm walking again and I'm very happy about that. 

 For today, I took my son to church and it seems that he is coming down with a cold.  He didn’t do too bad today and I was able to stay at the service all day today as well as talk to some nice ladies and get some ideas of what I can do parenting wise (selection of schools, Adventurers/Pathfinders, non-allergy dietician contacts).  I had an opportunity to encourage and uplift another woman who came (she was actually the first person to the door of the church) who is going through a difficult time in her life and she is a parent.  I learned a lot today from adults and even from a child (surprisingly enough) and look forward to going more to eventually be able to sit in the sanctuary with my son for the entire service and be able to hear every word.  Even though I had most of my focus on my son, I was glad and blessed to be there. 

I am home now and about to enjoy a late lunch.  My son is asleep for now so I plan to continue spending time with Jesus today.  It really has been a great day and I hope it is the same for you.