Staying Faithful

I consider myself a Christian and try to live responsibility. I want to keep the Ten Commandments and I will admit that there were times recent and past that during this walk I have treaded the line and altogether crossed it.

My cousin is celebrating her birthday and retirement with a party today, which also happens to be Sabbath. I have wrestled all week with the idea of focusing my attention on God and then a bunch of other people, fifty or more. People tried to pressure me to attend.

This morning, I read a blog post from someone else and it helped me to think more clearly about today.

http://www.jonasmaxwell.com/pages/index.cfm?pg=196&pcid=98#id98

If God doesn't get the respect. If total focus is taken completely away from Him. If what I get involved in is more important than what He has for me to do, I shouldn't be involved in it on Sabbath.

I shouldn't be especially because I have no closeness with any of the family or invitees that are going to the event. The love of Jesus is not the focus of the event. For some, it's about my cousin. For many, it's about free food, alcohol, dancing, and gossip.

People having questions about your life, but since they lack genuine concern and don't have Godly motivation, they gossip about what they think they know about you. Sometimes family can be close. Thicker than blood, but as someone else, said soup and yogurt is thicker than water too.  Family at the same time can be univiting and strangers.

The latter is how they are to me.

I don't know where you are in your life's journey today. You could be struggling to win family over, friends, and finding yourself going deaf in all the noise of people around you. I'm not telling you to completely separate yourself...cut yourself off from people who are unlike you in faith. Some of the best people I've known were people who had a different faith from me. 

What I'm telling you to do is think about God first and where you are in your walk with Him. Putting Him first on Monday, the fourth of July, the Sabbath, on any and all days will help you to grow. You will be more confident and not left to the wind to blow you around.

People change, relationships end, and people forget who you are. A cousin came up from Carolina and she changed. I changed too. We used to be as close as Ceely and her sister from the Color Purple. She is headed to the party, but wants to hang out with another cousin who is judgmental of me. She has no interest in me anymore and although it makes me sad, I know someone who never changes.

Hold on to Him.

Happy Sabbath!

Staying Humble

I am realizing I have a problem with humility.  God has given me a few texts to try to get it in my head.

After announcing my plans to resign, I've even surprised myself with how arrogant I must sound to people around me.  I have to really look at how I am feeling when I see others doing better or competing with me for a prize.

My testimony is that God is always working to show us things about our selves in an effort to help us on the right path and save us.  Doesn't sound like much, but it is for me.  When ever God is speaking and moving to work good through us, I consider it a testimony to be shared.

I don't like when someone is telling me I am doing something wrong, especially when I am convinced I am correct.

Supervisor lets me know they didn't receive the monthly report by the deadline.

Parents telling me how to parent my child.

I have had to acknowledge my failures publicly and with each one, I am seeing that I am not perfect.  Only Jesus is.

We need to take God's word seriously and search ourselves to see how and if any offenses are being committed by us.

God is permitting me to start a new chapter in my life.  I learned to commit these offenses (such as Proverbs 16:28; Proverbs 11:2; Proverbs 3:34, Psalms 1:1-2," because I allowed myself to become bitter over the past three years.  I have an opportunity to change this.  That bitterness is almost gone.  Because I'm not sure that it is gone, I will say it is "almost".

The Bible says, "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time (1 Peter 5:6).

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7)

If you see that God is opening doors for you, don't go around and brag about your abilities to others.  It is taking everything in me not to talk about what I have been able to do, especially when a person I support is shouting it from the mountain tops to other people within my company.  I found myself talking about people providing support for this client and in a way, bragging.  But it was God who made it possible for me, used me, and directed me to work on those challenges the 2.5 years I have been there.  I didn't do it alone.  Other people had a part.

So as you work, parent, live, and do anything, remember WHO you are doing it for.  If it is not for God, humble yourself and ask the Lord what you should do moving forward.  

No longer Scared

I keep trying to write but when I temporarily navigate from the page, it erases everything.

I started writing this yesterday. I was scared but I am less so today. God would not leave me here or give up on me. He won't do that to you either. I know at times it seems like He is not there, but know that He is and He always comes through with your needs, not necessarily your wants.

I am quiting my job and in all this, a song is playing in my head. My dad sang it last night. He is not a singer and he often gets his words mixed up or uses the wrong pronunciation. 

He sang the words, " I don't feel no ways tired. I've come too far from where I started from.  Nobody told me that the road would be easy and I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me."

He also added on the words jokingly, "down here", because he has a bad habit of falling asleep at the kitchen table watching msnbc or cnn.

God didn't leave me and He is still here for us all. We need to be there for Him.

So yeah, I was scared yesterday. I told my employer through email (complete with a signed, scanned formal letter) that I was quitting.  I sent three emails. One to an HR representative that bounced back with the automatic message that the individual would return to their office on Wednesday. I sent a second one to another HR representative and the third to my supervisors.  When I sent the first one, I  cried.

I can't take it back. I'm leaving a place that I haven't been at too long. The previous gig was 7+ years long and I don't remember crying. I left because of terrible workplace harassment and to save my mental health. The job I'm quitting now weighs heavier on me because I am choosing to walk into the unknown. I am used to asking the Lord for signs to prevent me from making the wrong decisions. When I asked about that hospital job, God said no. I know this because He answered a prayer I had for a sign. It's wonderful when God answers like this, but I won't lie and say that when God says "no", I feel disappointed. I know He said no to protect me from something that was not a good fit for my life, but it's hard for me to grasp a new vision of my life after I've planned a bunch of crap in my head thinking He'd surely say yes.

This job that I am accepting is one I avoided praying for that sign. It's a dream and also a challenge. I will need to fully depend on the Lord to be able to do it, but it will be rewarding. I have to bear in mind the text He gave me the day I learned I would get the job: Colossians 3: 23-24.
I am doing this job for Him first. I also have in my mind my son, my student loan debt, my clients, but God has to remain first front and center as I go into this job.

When I started thinking about going to school, I wanted to do something that God would be pleased with. Yes, I could have gone to med school or something else higher paying, but I didn't want my life, my career to be about making more money than someone else. So many people are able to live happily on less and I don't need that much. I looked in the Bible in search of job ideas that would be acceptable to the Lord. I came across this:

Isaiah 1:17
Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.

James 1:27 says something similar.

The first thing that comes to mind is a social worker when I read this. Next follows a lawyer. I thought about my path and how I always ended up in situations where I wanted to help someone, but never was in the position or had the authority to make the change happen for them. I struggled to find people and places that could provide aid and I realized how passionate I was about this.

When I announced to my mother that I was going to go to school for a social work degree, she said that my dad told her the night before that he thought I would make an excellent social worker. I took that as extra confirmation.

God has brought me through a lot. He brought me through a long and grueling school schedule. He was my friend when everyone abandoned me during a period I am completely at fault for.

I was at fault because I knew not to put my trust in man (Jeremiah 17:5), but allowed Satan to trick and tempt me into a doomed relationship with a person who would have killed me if it had not been for the Lord's protection. The Lord was there when I became a single parent and beat myself up for compromising so many times. I was a recluse and He was there. I am the most private I've ever been and He's still here. I was involved in a terrible accident last year and He was still there. And so much more.

God did not bring me this far to leave me.
I should not be scared

A New Chapter

I was off from work this week and decided to use the time to draw nearer to God and spend quality time with my son.

Tuesday we had a fun packed day which included the YMCA, My Gym, some shopping, and a camping experience in the woods.  I wanted to check out this peninsula that I spotted while looking for places one of my clients might take interest in visiting.  I already had the tent and stuff packed in my car but the news said it would rain on and off all day, so I didn't really expect to use it.  We walked partway into the woods and then I thought that if it looked like a decent place, I should set up camp.  I found a nice spot between an inner lake and the river along a wide trail and started setting up.  In the middle of my set up, a father and daughter team came up to our lake front view and started fishing.  A little girl who looked to be about 8 years old caught a fish within 10 minutes of being there.

As I was putting the last hook into the base, it started to rain, so I brought my son into the tent with me while they continued fishing.  It rained and poured and lightening started, and I thought we were going to be okay, assuming the rain would stop shortly, but the website said it would continue for an hour or more and I was not comfortable with that. In the middle of the storm and me trying to keep the wind from pushing the tent over, I ended up closing up shop and running in the rain with my son, bags, and a collapsed tent.  We were okay and I should have trusted God to not have us in harms way.  I couldn't stop thinking about being between two bodies of water on the ground with severe storms blasting through.  Add to that no one knowing where we were.  Yeah, we had to go.

But I must say, that moment of being out there in the storm and seeing the beauty of God's creation, it was worth it.  I was never out in a forest in the middle of a severe thunderstorm.  I could hardly see and I was tired carrying everything.  God kept us safe in the midst of all that because who knows what else was out in the woods with us.

Wednesday was a calmer day.  We went to parks and an indoor gym.

Now Thursday was the best day.  We went to this lake.  If it wasn't any good, I was prepared to drive to the beach instead, but it did not disappoint.  That morning the scripture of the day was Deuteronomy 6:6-7
"And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto they children, and shalt talk of them when thou sit test in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou list down, and when thou risest up."

We enjoyed several wonderful hours at the lake, playing in the sand, and throwing pebbles into the water.  I want to replicate that August nine years ago that I spent with several young Christian ladies in the middle of Pennsylvania, but I can't.  That time with those ladies was time for me to focus solely on my relationship with Jesus.  Thursdays was shared time between my Jesus and my son.  Never did I ever expect that Deuteronomy would apply to me, that I would need to teach any child let alone my own.  It is a reminder that I am not living to myself and that I have a special responsibility as a parent.

I received an email from administrative staff at my current job stating that the place I applied for a job at called her for a reference.  This is that job I've been praying about since May.
I told her that even though they contacted her, it didn't mean I would be leaving any time soon.

Friday came and I took my son to his dermatologist appointment. After the appointment, I got in the car to notice I missed a call. It was the place I applied to!

I called the lady back to hear her offer me the job.

God is so good, people just don't know!

The position is most inline with what I wanted after beginning this whole journey and getting out of graduate school.  It is a salaried position with excellent benefits, location, and offers the challenging work I am looking for.  It is also flexible schedule wise so I can work from home if necessary.  I would only be required to show up at the office once a week. Accepting this position also means I have to resign from my current job because of a big conflict of interest.

I don't know where my last place will be.  I still want to move to a warmer climate and have that farm by the lake, creek, or what ever body of water have you.  I know anything is possible and that God would not steer me wrong.  So I am taking this job  and will put all my anxieties and concerns in God's hands.  I can walk amongst my peers and be recognized as a professional in the community.  I can also be open and honest about my religious beliefs.  The first person who interviewed me let me know there were other Adventists who work for the organization and I would never have to worry about compromising on that 4:30-5:00pm Friday hour, nor come in on Saturdays for meetings.

I don't know what September will bring, but I am open to the possibilities and am ready to write a new chapter in my life.  With God and my son of course :)

Crossroad

I'm entitling this post Crossroad for a few reasons.  I am sitting here with my son playing with his legos and he identified a segment of a building I made as a cross. I'm always amazed to see how many words he has in his vocabulary.  I also am really at a crossroad with my spiritual journey and career wise.

I don't know where to go.

A bunch of things came to a head on August 3rd.  Some for the good and some not so good.  This week, God did answer my prayer about the first job interview I went on.  I've had a second interview since then (this past thursday) with the place that I thought had decided to discard me.  Turns out, the lady had too many emails to check and as soon as she saw mine, she called me back again to continue the process.  A big part of me wants to have this job.  It goes well with what I initially thought I could be doing, more so than the other place that I applied to.  Any change is panic inducing, but I know that if God blesses that path, I have nothing to worry about.

He blessed me as I worked through and completed my program.  It wouldn't make sense for it not to continue through related work.

During the interview, I believe I made a great impression, but only Jesus can help me get all the way in.  In my past jobs, I never shared with my employer my belief system.  I was always provided an option to my schedule so I never had to discuss it.  This was the first time I ran into a potential conflict.  I had the option to not bring it up and say I was okay with the terms and conditions, but I was not.  I shared with the interviewer.

He let me know it would never be something I would have to worry about or compromise on.  There are other people who work there that believe the same way and their religious beliefs are respected in the office.  He also shared a little that he knew about people's lifestyles (one that used to be very much a part of me 2 years ago).  

What I'd like to leave in this post is that God is always faithful and will help His children.  I don't know if I will get this job.  I really hope that I do, but I know that God is in control and He wouldn't steer me wrong.  If He steers me away from it, thank you.

On my way to the job interview, I didn't pray for signs.  I just prayed to get the job.  I was in traffic and a long tractor trailer was in the middle lane next to me.  It had printed on the back, "Job 36:11".  Since this interstate highway became a parking lot, I looked up the text.  It said, If they obey and serve him, they shall spend their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures." My Bible text for the day was Colossians 3:1-2  If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth."

This is an area I am struggling with.  Part of me wants the job to feel like I've supposedly made it.  I need to let this go.  The only way I can make it is to be completely walking with God.  In 2006, that's where I was.  I let go and then I made it because, I let go.  If I let go and obey Him, then will I be able to spend my days in prosperity and years in pleasures.  

I cannot allow myself to forget the original reasons I chose this career path.  I also should not forget to seek God and include Him in every detail.  He will direct this path I am on. He will lead anyone if we let Him.  

Attacks from the enemy and God's Triumph

The Lord will not try to lead people down a road that will harm them.  He doesn't want to destroy us who are made in his image.  Satan wants to do that.  I would be remiss to talk only about what God has done and not show what He has brought me through.  For some people, a testimony is just saying that God made it possible for them to have a delicious meal in the home when they know the person always cooking it can't cook.  It can be something as basic as that.  It can also be as simple as being saved from certain death (such as walking out of a blazing crushed car without a scratch or singe).

I agree with those who say, if you don't feel like you are being attacked, you need to look at what you are doing.

Tribulation comes to all of us at some point or another, but with each trial, we have the opportunity to lean on God and He shows His love and comfort to us each time.  It is true that He will not put on us more than we can bear.

I will talk about one of the most recent and difficult situations I went through.

I was still in school and practicing counseling sessions in class.  The adults who came to my internship for therapy (I only interviewed them at the time) had many different life experiences that mostly translated into depression and anger in outward expression to those around them.  I was stressed because of the amount of course work I had to complete (and believe me, that was the toughest semester of endless papers-projects-meetings and hoops to jump through that I ever endured with little to no sleep).   All my time was maxed out in assignments, parenting, coordinating services at work, and working on improving as a therapist, while trying to stay on track with everyone else's agenda.  There was absolutely no room for error or time to slip up.

I rarely have dreams that I remember and I had a dream one night.  I remember that for some reason, I had anxiety in dream over trying to locate my driver's registration.  I knew something was weird about it because I already knew where my registration was and I would never have to worry about something like that unless I was to be pulled over for speeding or would get into an accident.

About a week to two weeks went by and I didn't think about the dream.  I was well rested and got up in the morning to began my drive to work.  It was Sunday and the roads were very quiet and dark without a soul in sight.  Occasionally I would see another driver's lights in the distance, but no one was usually out there that early when I was on the road.  I knew how long it would take me going the speed limit and I thought the safest lane was the center, so I drove the speed limit and obeyed every sign and light.  I also drove with no music or radio on because I was thinking about what homework I could accomplish during my down time at work.

One pick up truck sped past me going about 60mph in the left lane.  I continued at 50 mph and then passed a bus which was on schedule for this route.  I approached the next intersection which had a light that was green when I was about 500 feet away and stayed green.

I had an accident.

A person approached suddenly to my right while I was in the middle lane.

When I opened the door, I noticed that my Bible that had been in the back window of the car had fallen out of the car by my feet.

Before I even had an opportunity to get walk somewhere, an EMT guy came up to me and told me to stay where I was.  I didn't realize it at the time, but an ambulance was waiting at the red light at the intersection I just came through.  They saw everything as it happened.

The guy walked away and came back to me and talked to me and tried to calm me down.  Nothing he could say could make me feel any better about what happened.  I also learned that a police station was a half block away down this road (the same intersection).  They came up and set up a barricade, directing traffic else where.  When the police officer asked me questions, I then wanted to give them my license, insurance, and registration.  That's when I realized I couldn't get to it because it was in the glove compartment of my car.  I remembered the dream.

After that day, it was tough.  I was in school and at work.  I still had the same responsibilities.  I took off a few days to pull myself together, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything without Jesus.  All the times I would drive down the road and go anywhere, I didn't have much of an issue.  But this was the time for satan to attack.  The first day I started driving again, I stayed in the right lane.  I drove 10 less than the speed limit every where I went.  I drove with my high beams on and hit the breaks whenever I saw anything that looked like a person or something that might come near my car.  I also noticed more people coming out in the morning and evening than usual.  People would walk in the street instead of on sidewalks.  The first night I drove back home, I came to a jug handle that I have always taken.  This was the first time a man was walking inside the jug handle seeming oblivious to the other drivers including myself.  When ever people walked near jug handles, they walked on the grass or a side walk if available.  He chose neither.

I drove one of my clients during an outing and this guy had no regard for the light and ran right in front of my car.  I audio taped my client's account of what he saw so to play back and make sure I wasn't going crazy.  I drove at another spot in the city that I work in and two children ran across a dangerous area in front of my car when I of course, I had the green light.  Stuff like this kept happening and I was so shaken up by each time, my mother suggested that I quit my job and stop anything that required I drive.

As tempting as it sounded, it just wasn't reasonable.

Tempting is an interesting word.

James 1:13-15.

I have a young mouth to feed and a career I am working on that God has blessed.  I didn't have time for this nonsense and so I decided to look to Jesus to give me strength every day.  God helped me every day when I was in my car.  God helped me as I walked across the street.  One time I was walking on the campus grounds and a campus police officer was driving in a rush to get some where.  I was crossing with two other people and he practically skidded to a stop to avoid hitting the girl who was off to my left.  She made a comment about the police officer almost trying to kill her and laughed about it.  It wasn't funny to me.  These events with people walking in streets where they were weren't typically seen to walk continued for a few months and eventually stopped.

The point I am trying to make from all this is that Jesus can help you through anything.  I sat and talked with clients who cried about different types of losses and similar stories only to be paralyzed by fear in their lives.  Someone lost their mother, was abused by their boyfriend, and a strong masculine man raped by his aunt. Someone was incarcerated for 10 years,  another sold drugs, and several saw way too many dead bodies for them to keep track of during their time in a gangs. Someone lost their job.  All lost their purpose and sense of who they were. Practically all blamed themselves for horrible tragedies that happened to them.

Looking to the Bible, there were many people who experienced hardship and tragedy.  Some were beaten.  Some were imprisoned, spat on, lost loved ones.  People like David made some stupid decisions and experienced uncomfortable consequences.  Job endured extreme levels of ridiculousness and still worshiped God.  Failure is not falling down.  It's choosing not to get back up again.  The Lord did not bring me this far just to give up and I cannot give up.

He did not bring you this far to give up either.  Hold on to His unchanging hand and you will be amazed what He will bring you through.

May God bless you :)